


Stumbling on the Road to Ninja

by GGMK



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Naruto Parody - Freeform, Naruto is an Idiot, Sakura Is Useless, Sasuke is a jerk, Sorry Not Sorry, nothing makes sense, what fourth wall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 38,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8167072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GGMK/pseuds/GGMK
Summary: Being a teenage ninja with a literal demon inside you who is feared and hated by your whole village isn't easy, but someone has to do it! Follow the misadventures of Naruto Uzumaki and his insane friends as he learns what it truly means to be a ninja in the first ever, (intending to be) fully complete Naruto parody that covers the entire manga!





	1. Our Hero Is A Thief

**Author's Note:**

> I began writing this series back in 2015 when the manga finished. I remember lamenting that there have been so many Naruto parodies that remain unfinished. However, I intend to completely finish mine!  
> Honestly, it's really crazy, but if that doesn't faze you, I invite you in.

In Konohagakure (which was a name so hard to spell, all the inhabitants just called it Konoha) there lived a bunch of ninja, or shinobi. These ninja were very powerful, but they also knew the power of teamwork and friendship and bonds and stuff.

However, all this cheesy knowledge wasn't enough to protect them from – the Nine-Tails Fox! One night, the beast suddenly appeared as if from nowhere, crushing a bunch of houses underneath it, instantly killing the no-name characters inside of it.

The Fox was so large, that the ninja were but fleas to it. The Fox, having prided itself on never having fleas before, attacked all the ninja, swiping at them with its oversized claws and chomping at them with its large jaws.

The orange coloring of its fur helped it stand out in the darkness of the night, but the ninja were still overwhelmed. It didn't really matter if they could see it if they couldn't damage it, after all!

One nameless but brave ninja grabbed a kunai knife, and gritted his teeth. He would kill the monster, or die trying. With a battle roar, he charged towards the Fox's flank! By accident, one of the Fox's nine tails slightly nudged the ninja, snapping his neck. No one even noticed the poor ninja.

A few hours later, and the ninja were beginning to despair. But like a ray of sunshine, a powerful ninja parted the clouds of pain and sorrow. This ninja was the Hokage, which was a fancy title for the strongest, coolest, and wisest ninja.

All the weaker (and not quite as cool or smart, for that matter) ninja began to cheer, trying to ignore the jealousy that shot through them. The Hokage would stop the beast!

And he did, but at a great cost…his death. Still, he had managed to seal the Fox away…somewhere. The location? That was a story for another day…

**Twelve Years Later**

"You idioooooot!" The loud yell rang out throughout Konoha, but most of the villagers ignored it. They were used to Iruka Umino scolding his most troublesome student, a yellow-haired brat by the name of Naruto Uzumaki.

The reason Iruka had grown so agitated was that Naruto had seen fit to vandalize the Hokage mountain using paint. The Hokage mountain was a very important landmark, as it featured the sculpting of the four Hokage who had rules Konoha at various points.

_You know, it's kinda weird that, being our most sacred attraction, we don't have any guards posted here. I mean, if some twelve-year old can vandalize it, I hope we're never attacked by any powerful ninja._

Iruka's thoughts were cut short by a loud, insolent raspberry thrown his way.

"Naruto, get down or I swear I'll tell your parents!" Naruto, who had climbed on top of the mountain, flipped his teacher off.

"My parents are dead! I hate you!" Naruto jumped down and ran towards the school, which was about to start for the day. Shockingly enough, Iruka was already behind his desk.

"You know, I could keep you after school, but I feel kinda bad for forgetting that your parents died again, so I'll just tell you to sit down." Grumbling, Naruto did so, sitting next to other kids who will no doubt be important to the story in later chapters.

For the class's first lesson, they were instructed to make clones of themselves. Sasuke Uchiha, the resident class genius/chick magnet/too-cool-for-school dude aced it, as usual. Also per usual, he didn't smile even when being awarded with the highest score. Iruka could see why Naruto, the class loser/clown didn't like Sasuke.

When it was Naruto's turn to make a clone, he turned to Iruka and shouted, "Screw the government and the school system! Sexy Jutsu!"

Naruto's young male body was engulfed by smoke, and before long, his body had changed into that of a well-endowed female, the smoke now only covering the sensitive bits. This is for kids, after all!

Iruka couldn't help but feel…longing, but he had to keep it together! Naruto was his student.

"You fail, you nincompoop! You get the lowest score, again!" Naruto, sobbing, ran outside.

"Maybe you're being too harsh on him, dude." Iruka turned to his fellow teacher (and resident hippy) Mizuki, who had no last name.

"Mizuki, shut up." Iruka had no time for Mizuki's hippy games. Mizuki gave Iruka the peace sign, before dashing off.

* * *

Naruto was alone. It wasn't technically a rare thing for him at all. His parents died before he could even remember, he had no friends, and all the adults in Konoha seemed to hate him. To be fair, it was possibly because he vandalized sacred monuments, robbed food stores, and beat up some kids, but c'mon! He just wanted some slack for once!

The boy sighed. He wasn't even a good ninja, although transforming one's own body had to be somewhat impressive. If only that darn showoff Sasuke weren't around!

Naruto almost died of a heart attack when a hand grabbed his shoulder.

"Hey, it's just me, Naruto. Chillax, man." Naruto would know that hippy voice anywhere: Mizuki!

"Huh? What'd you want? Come to tell me I failed another test?" Naruto wasn't sure he could trust Mizuki, who always seemed a bit too friendly with the other students. It gave Naruto goosebumps.

"I can help you gain extraordinary power, man. It'll be, like, totally awesome!" Naruto was intrigued by Mizuki's vague offer.

"OK, I'll bite. But what do I have to do?" Mizuki flashed Naruto a winning smile that was in no way villainous.

"Oh, you only have to rob the current Hokage. You've already robbed convenience stores, so this shouldn't be a problem." Naruto nodded; it was true, stealing things was practically his specialty.

* * *

The current Hokage, who happened to be the third Hokage, was smoking a pipe and reading some dirty magazines in the comfort of his Hokage suite. While it was true that he was practically 80 or 100, he still had some youthful stamina left!

His door crashing in alerted the Hokage to the presence of an intruder. Quickly putting on his wide-brimmed Hokage hat, Hiruzen Sarutobi prepared for battle, before feeling his shaky, old legs give way.

"Crud!" he thought as he collapsed. Unfortunately, his large hat blocked his eyesight, so he had no way to identify the thief. Still, he did hear the prowler open dresser, which contained –

"Oh no," Hiruzen breathed. If this thief stole that scroll, there was no telling what would happen! He had to get up! He had to use his will-power to stand up and defeat this cad! He! Had! To! Fight!

Hiruzen managed to do what resembled a push-up before falling and knocking himself unconscious.

* * *

Naruto, who had nabbed a surprisingly large scroll from the Hokage's desk, huddled in the trees in the small forest surrounding Konoha. His blue eyes scanned the contents of the scroll, which taught a complex jutsu that could apparently make the wielder a top-class ninja.

"Score! Man, if I can learn this jutsu, Sasuke will have to kiss my butt!" Giggling to himself, Naruto began to realize that he didn't even need Mizuki. The hipster had ordered Naruto to hand the scroll over, but frankly, why bother? This scroll could make Naruto even more powerful than Mizuki.

And with power came respect. If Naruto learned this single jutsu, the villaige would probably stop hating him, maybe. It was a long shot, but Naruto figured that he could handle it.

Unfortunately, he wasn't prepared to handle a blow to the head.

"Owwww! Why'd you do that?" Naruto cradled his head, anime tears cascading down his face. He stuck his tongue out at Iruka, who was glaring at his student.

"Naruto. I know that you're a trouble-maker, and that you love pranks. But please, PLEASE tell me that you did not just rob a sacred scroll from the Hokage. You could be put to death for that!"

Naruto let out some nervous laughter, before deciding that it was time to finally tell the truth. "Mizuki made me, that drugged up loser." Iruka's eyes narrowed.

"I never liked the guy. Thanks, Naruto!" Naruto gave his teacher the thumbs up and grinned. Maybe they could be friends after all.

"Aw, that is, like, so emotional and stuff." Mizuki stepped out from behind a tree. Iruka clenched a fist, and ran towards Mizuki. The white-haired ninja simple jumped back, and threw an over-sized shruiken at Iruka. Iruka, who didn't have the best reflexes, wasn't able to dodge, and the weapon embedded itself in his chest.

Naruto looked on in shock. A teacher was beating up another teacher! He wasn't sure if this was the coolest thing ever, or the weirdest.

"Hey, Naruto. You wanna hear a dark secret?" Naruto nodded, before realizing that Mizuki couldn't see him, as he had decided to hide under a bush. Apparently, Mizuki didn't care, as he went on blabbing.

"You see, twelve years ago, on the day you were born, Konoha was attacked by some way-out stupid Fox that came out of, like, nowhere. It killed lots of dudes before the fourth Hokage, who is a bro, defeated it. But you may ask, where did he place the Fox?"

I didn't ask!" Naruto yelled, but he continued to be ignored by the ranting Mizuki.

"He placed the Fox inside a newborn baby…named Naruto Uzumaki." Naruto was so shocked, he dropped the sacred scroll on the ground, where some chipmunk grabbed it and took it to its nest, where it used it as food for the baby chipmunks.

"I-is that why everyone hates me?" Naruto's lips quivered.

"Uh, no. It's just because you're a jerk all the time, lame-O. It would help if you didn't paint graffiti all the time, little bro." Naruto grew angry, and decided to teach Mizuki a lesson!

Placing his hands together, Naruto cried out, "Multi-Shadow Clone Jutsu!" A large burst of smoke caused Mizuki and Iruka to cough in perfect synchronization. When the dust cleared (and when the two adults dared open their eyes again) they at first though the smoke must have been a hallucinogen.

There must have been at least forty Naruto clones surrounding Mizuki. Some were standing on tree branches because there were no spots left on the ground! Mizuki tried to say something, but he couldn't get his mouth to work.

"No way!" Iruka yelled in surprise, with some pain from his wound mixed in. "I can't believe Naruto, who is established as the worst student in the school, managed to master that apparently super complicated jutsu after reading the scroll only once!"

Naruto cracked his knuckled. "Mizuki, I've never liked you all that much, and since you lied to me and hurt my other teacher, I have an excuse to beat you up." Mizuki screamed.

"Dude. Make love, not war. Violence is for patsies." Naruto wouldn't listen, and he jumped up to Mizuki and punched him the face. Naruto could feel Mizuki's fragile nose break. The rest of the shadow clones took that as their cue, and also began to beat on Mizuki. Before long, the air was filled with moans, grunts, and yells of "Die, Mizuki!" and "This is so cool!"

Finally, having used up all his energy, Naruto collapsed on the ground, and his shadow clones all vanished with a comical popping noise. Mizuki was also on the ground, his body twitching once in a while.

"Naruto, you did it. I am so proud of you," Iruka said, his voice strained as he pulled out the giant shruiken from his chest. Naruto ignored him, and stared at his bruised fist.

"Iruka-sensei, do you think that I'll still have to be the class loser even though I just beat an adult ninja easily?" Naruto turned to look at Iruka, hoping the answer would be satisfying.

"Nah, you'll still get bad grades. Oh, I'm kidding, you can graduate, since you saved my life and all!" Iruka laughed, and Naruto couldn't help but laugh with him.

"So, what'll happen to Mizuki?" Naruto was worried that Mizuki would want revenge. Iruka shrugged.

"You know, you'd think that the first villain of this series would be important, but I have a feeling he'll never show up again," Iruka mused.

"Huh, that reminds me of a certain villain from _Dragon Ball Z_ , a cool manga that I was reading during all your classes," Naruto said, remembering how fun that had been. He failed to notice Iruka glaring daggers at him.


	2. Graduation And Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto has officially become a genin, which means he can start his fancy ninja training. Should be easy, as long as he doesn't kill his teammates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emo Sasuke and fangirl Sakura make their debuts.

Mizuki was imprisoned, the Hokage had forgiven Naruto, and the hyperactive kid had graduated from his class! That meant he was now officially a Genin, which was basically the elementary school version of ninja.

If he trained hard enough, he would move up to the next rank, which was Chunin. After that was Jonin, and from there…Hokage could be a possible step! Secretly, Naruto always wanted to become Hokage. Once he became the leader of Konoha, he would finally be able to get back at everyone who ever teased or bullied him.

Naruto was pondering this while eating cereal in his apartment. Being an orphan and all, he lived completely by himself. He never understood why he wasn't placed in the orphanage, or why he was expected to pay the electric bills despite the fact that he had no way to make any sort of income, but it was nice not having to clean up after himself.

Chomping on his sugary breakfast, Naruto happened to glance on a fancy paper that was propped on his table. It was an invitation to attend the ceremony where all the new Genin would find out who their new teachers would be. All the Genin formed three-man teams, led by a Jonin. They would go on missions to earn money and points.

After a whole summer of staying in bed late, Naruto was annoyed that he would have to begin getting up early again. Still, it was pretty cool that he could actually go on a hardcore mission!

Finishing up his food, Naruto dashed back to his room, and yanked his bright orange jumpsuit from his closet. Despite the bright color that would make it impossible to sneak around or camouflage in, Naruto had decided on this to be his official ninja outfit!

For the finishing touch, Naruto wrapped his new headband around his forehead. Every ninja wore a headband, with the symbol of their village engraved in the front. Konoha's symbol resembled someone's eyes after they got dizzy.

As Naruto walked out the door of his apartment, he was ambushed by a little kid. Upon closer inspection, Naruto realized that it was Konohamaru Sarutobi, the grandson of the current Hokage. He was well known throughout the village as a whiny brat who used his father's political power to get everything he wanted.

"Naruto, I want you to fight me! If I beat you, I'll be a ninja!" Konohamaru's squeaky voice made Naruto's ears bleed.

Konohamaru grinned, but with the missing tooth, he didn't come off as intimidating as he probably hoped.

"Buzz of, you chipmunk! I don't have time to mess around with you," Naruto said, dismissing the kid by slapping him down the stairs. Konohamaru didn't move after he fell, but Naruto had no time to perform basic medical procedures, he was almost late!

Naruto made a mad dash to the school, running so fast that the swings in the playground broke. Iruka glared at the tardy shinobi, but Naruto didn't care, as he was searching the room for a specific someone.

"There she is," Naruto whispered under his breath as he caught sight of her gaudy pink hair. Sitting down on a bench in the first row of the schoolroom was Sakura Haruno, the prettiest Kunoichi (female ninja) in the whole village who was also his age.

Many boys teased her for her pink hair, but none did so to her face, as she was also known to have a nasty temper. That sounded perfect to Naruto! Unfortunately, like everyone else, she considered him a loser.

Undeterred, Naruto slid into the seat next to her. He could smell the strawberry shampoo she used for her long hair. Sakura gave him a sideways glare, her emerald eyes drilling into him, but he didn't care.

Unfortunately, the sunshine that Sakura emitted was dimmed when the front door opened, and the dark cloud of misery named Sasuke Uchiha entered the room. Naruto glared at the stuck-up jerk. Sasuke, who had his eyes closed, somehow made it to his seat without tripping, which would have been impressive if that seat hadn't been next to Naruto.

It was like being sandwiched between a goddess and an ugly demon that smelled of gasoline. Naruto desperately hoped that this ceremony finished fast.

"Ooh, hi Sasuke! I'm so happy to see you!" That was one more reason for Naruto to hate Sasuke. Sakura had a huge crush on Sasuke, just like every other single female in Konoha. It was unbearable, especially since Naruto knew for a fact that no one had a crush on him. He didn't notice a blue-haired, blushing girl staring at him from behind a window…

Sasuke ignored Sakura's greeting, and leaned his head forward against his interlaced hands. He got that look in his eyes, the look that told the world, "I'm brooding. Leave me alone." Naruto was always tempted to poke Sasuke when he was in this state, but the risks outweighed the possible rewards.

Sakura sighed, looking downcast at Sasuke's obvious disinterest. Naruto knew he had to cheer her up, so he placed an arm around her shoulders, and leaned in to give her the biggest kiss of her short life! The feminine fist that hit him in the jaw seconds later left his cheek throbbing for hours after.

"Knock it off, you three," Iruka said sternly, without looking up from a textbook he was reading. Naruto and Sakura quickly placed their hands over their laps like good children. Sasuke just grunted.

_Sasuke thinks he's so cool! Well, I'll show that emo, contact-wearing nuisance!_ Naruto rubbed his hands together in evil glee.

He zoned out as Iruka began calling the names of other graduates, who would probably remain nameless and unimportant for the rest of the series. Naruto didn't know any of them by name, but he could identify them by physical properties.

One kid was fat, another looked lazy, there was a blonde girl, a weirdo who always brought his pet dog to class, one kid with sunglasses, and a girl with blue hair. Naruto didn't care to know any of them, but they certainly couldn't be any worse than Sasuke.

Finally, Naruto heard his name called.

"Naruto Uzumaki, you will be part of Team 7. Your team will consist of Sakura Haruno-" Iruka was interrupted by a cry of jubilation (from Naruto, who had his fists in the air) and a sob of despair (from Sakura, who had collapsed in an undignified heap).

Iruka coughed. "The third member will be Sasuke Uchiha, our number 1 student of all time." Naruto screamed in terror, and Sakura screamed in fangirl delight. Sasuke's only reaction was to glare at Naruto.

"Don't drag me down, you idiot," Sasuke snarled, one of his contacts falling onto the desk. Naruto stood up from his seat, his stomach burning with righteous fury (and from the ten bowls of cheap ramen he consumed in secret).

"Iruka," Naruto whined. "Why does a cool dude like me have to be in the same group as a creep like Sasuke?" Iruka got a glint in his eyes.

"Because, Naruto, you get the worst scores in the class. Sasuke scores the highest. Sakura stands out in no way whatsoever. This way, it balances out." Naruto felt a lone tear roll down his cheek; Iruka just loved to hurt his feelings!

"Naruto, stop grumbling! We have Sasuke on our team! All is right with the world!" Sakura was somehow alternating between glaring at him, and blowing kisses at Sasuke. Naruto knew what he had to do.

Getting all in Sasuke's face, Naruto sneered. "You're nothing special." Sasuke opened his mouth to make some undoubtedly lame retort. Unfortunately, some lame-o bumped into Naruto, pushing him forward – into Sasuke's face. Their open mouths collided, and unfortunately, Naruto chose that moment to stick his tongue out.

The brief moment felt like an eternity of torture to Naruto, who quickly ran to the nearest garbage can to throw up. He could faintly hear Sasuke sputtering in the background – and was that Sakura sobbing?

"Naruto, how dare you? That was my first kiss!" Sasuke pointed at Naruto with a dagger, but Naruto wasn't scared.

"What, and you think I don't feel bad about this? I bet you secretly enjoyed it!" Naruto grinned at Sasuke, who stuttered. Finally, Sasuke sat down at his seat, muttering about things.

"Anyway," Iruka continued hesitantly, "Team 7 will be led by former ANBU Black Ops member Kakashi Hatake. That must be exciting, huh?" When Iruka looked up, he was greeted by the sight of Naruto and Sasuke wrestling on the ground, with Sakura managing to get a good kick in once in a while, always aiming for Naruto's head.

* * *

When Sasuke woke up, he was tied up and gagged in the school's utility closet. _What am I doing in here? Darn that Naruto. Despite being the strongest ninja at this school, he somehow bested me!_

Using the old Houdini method, Sasuke escaped from his bonds and ran out into the sunshine, as any young boy should do after school. Dashing into the park to see if he could find some cute baby squirrels to adopt, Sasuke almost tripped when he heard _his own voice_ saying, "Oh baby, I know you love me."

"What the heck?" Sasuke peeked from behind a thick bush, and almost gasped when he saw himself sitting on a green park bench next to Sakura, who was blushing.

"Oh, Sasuke, I didn't think you had noticed me." Sasuke's clone grinned and leaned in for a kiss. Sasuke had seen enough, and jumped out of the bush.

"Who the heck are you, imposter?" The clone jumped up, and began to whine in a suspiciously high-pitched voice.

"Aw man. You have some seriously bad timing, Sasuke!" Slowly, right in front of Sasuke's eyes, his clone began to shift into something much brighter – Naruto! That brat had mastered the art of shapeshifting somehow!

"Done transforming into that lame female form of yours?" Sasuke couldn't help but taunt his rival.

"But Sasuke," Naruto began in an all-too innocent tone. "I figured you would want to be seen kissing a pretty girl, especially now that your new school nickname is Sas-GAY!" Sasuke could feel his left eye twitching. Were the kids at school really saying that? Thanks goodness for graduation.

"I am SO done with this," Sakura grumbled as she ran off. Suddenly, she stopped. Turning around, she punched Naruto in the gut, kicked him, and then ran off into the woods. Sasuke smirked, before deciding to head to the supermarket. A ninja had to keep his fridge well-stocked.

* * *

In Naruto's house, someone was eating all of the food stocked in his fridge. This someone was Jonin level ninja Kakashi Hatake, who made a point to raid the apartments of every ninja who would be working under him. Naruto's house was full of garbage, broken furniture, and expired milk. This told Kakashi that his student was lazy and probably had a bad stomach.

"This could prove annoying. I may have to break him in." Kakashi lazily gulped down his glass of orange juice, somehow without removing his fancy ninja face mask, which he never took off for any reason whatsoever.

Suddenly, the front door opened. Kakashi, fearing that Naruto had returned, tried to hide under the table.

"Calm yourself, Kakashi. It is only I, the Hokage." The scratchy voice only made Kakashi feel worse; would he be punished for rummaging in a student's living place?

"Don't worry, my boy, I raid the houses of every ninja in this village for fun, so I won't punish you." Kakashi wondered if anyone in Konoha had any scruples at all…


	3. School of Hard Knocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Naruto's first day working under Kakashi-sensei, the coolest ninja teacher ever. Just watch out for his tricks...

Naruto woke up only when his frog-shaped alarm clock rang. It was a pity; he had been having a dream where he was finally allowed to eat all the ramen he wanted for free. Luckily, he awoke just when the doctor was about to tell him about the chances of getting a heart attack.

Glancing at the clock, Naruto groaned. _That's right; today is my first meeting with my new sensei, Kakashi. I hear he's hot stuff, but we'll see about that!_

Yanking off the frog-hat that he wore to bed, Naruto eagerly pranced to the fridge. To his horror, almost all of his food was gone.

"What the heck?" Naruto scratched his head, but this did nothing to help his mind wrap around the mystery. Had he been robbed? Naruto made a mental note to keep his doors and windows locked from now on. It was slightly disappointing; he always thought that Konoha was a peaceful and safe village.

Deciding he would have to eat out, Naruto grabbed his frog-shaped purse, absently wondering why he had so many frog items. Could it be…foreshadowing? Unfortunately, upon turning it upside-down, no coins fell out.

Fine then, he would skip breakfast. Luckily, he had stamina to spare! To prove this to himself, Naruto ran all the way to the lookout, which was a stone structure that jutted over a cliff. It was perfectly safe, which was what some poor naïve fool said moments before he fell to his doom.

"Well, look who dragged himself here," a snide voice rudely remarked. A female squeal punctuated the words. Glancing up, Naruto stuck his tongue out at Sasuke, who was combing his hair with a piece of rock. Somehow, he made it work.

"Am I late?" Naruto asked Sakura, making a point to ignore Sasuke. Sakura shook her head, placing her hands on her hips.

"No. Well, normally you would be, but Kakashi isn't even here yet. What's keeping him?" Naruto thought hard, before snapping his fingers.

"Maybe he died while on a super tough mission. That means we get the day off!" Naruto got up to start running again, but a hand grabbed his shoulder.

"Not so fast," a calm voice said directly in Naruto's ear. Jumping back from the mysterious stranger, Naruto got in a fighting position.

"Naruto, you idiot. He's no enemy, he's Kakashi." Sasuke's merciless words turned out to be true, as Kakashi proceeded to introduce himself.

"Now that intros are out of the way, tell me about yourselves. Actually, you guys will probably say really dumb things, so you each have to tell me your likes, dislikes, and personal dreams." Clapping his hands, Kakashi pointedly stared at Sakura.

"Weeeellll. What I like?" Sakura not too subtly glanced at Sasuke, before falling into a hard fit of the giggles. After she recovered, she pondered what her dream was.

"My dream? Well, it's…" Sakura glanced at Sasuke's pants, before screaming like a fangirl. Even Naruto knew what she wanted, and it annoyed him.

"Women," Kakashi groaned. Louder, he prodded, "Sakura, what do you dislike?"

"That's easy, I hate Naruto," Sakura said easily and yet earnestly. The words stabbed Naruto like a knife. Sobbing, Naruto closed his eyes, waiting for the end. Sakura threw a sandal at him in disgust.

"Hmph. I guess now it's SasuGAYs turn!" Sasuke gasped upon hearing the dreaded nickname. Kakashi chuckled.

"Cool nickname, bro," Kakashi drawled, his single lazy eye that wasn't covered by his ninja mask seeming to wink at the gifted child. Scowling, Sasuke bit his thumbnail.

"I don't like anything, except maybe cute animals. Dang, they really get to me. I dislike so many things, that I can't even sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about how the things I dislike will keep me up at night."

Kakashi held up a hand. "That felt a bit repetitive, Sasuke. Still, by all means, continue."

"Why the heck did you bother to interrupt me, old man?" Sasuke's eyes began to flame, right before his contacts fell off, and bounced off the stone ground into the wide ocean.

"Whatever. Anyway, my dream is to murder a certain someone. Suspenseful, eh? OK, I'll just tell you. I plan to kill my older brother, Itachi!" Sasuke paused, as if hoping for some applause, but none came. Naruto did let out a farting noise between his lips.

"Why do you hate your stupid brother, Sasuke?" Sakura sounded concerned, but Sasuke ignored her.

"OK, class clown. You're up!" Naruto looked around, before pointing at himself in a questioning manner. Kakashi nodded.

_CLASS CLOWN? How dare that old man call me that? I'll show him I'm no class clown!_

"I like ramen and Sakura ("NOOOOO!"), I dislike that jerk SasuGAY ("Humph!"), and my dream is to become the most powerful ninja of all time, not to mention becoming Hokage." Naruto beamed, proud of himself for being so mature and wise.

Kakashi quickly threw pellets filled with sleeping gas at the three students, knocking them out. When Naruto next opened his baby blue peepers, he found himself in the forest. Sasuke and Sakura both awoke in each other's arms next to him. Sakura looked vaguely satisfied.

"Where the heck are we?" Naruto wondered if he should be feeling concerned that an adult teacher had whisked him and his classmates away to some dense part of the forest.

"This will be where I conduct my very important test," Kakashi answered. The silver-haired ninja had emerged from the bushes behind Sasuke and Sakura, causing the latter to scream and attempt to jump into the former's arms. Unfortunately, Sasuke refused to hold Sakura, leaving the female ninja on the ground and rubbing her stinging butt.

"Oh, please tell me that this isn't a math test, writing test, or any kind of test that involves using your brain!" Naruto trembled, knowing that he had pretty much failed every test he had ever taken. Kakashi simply sighed, before reaching into his pants pocket and taking out two small, metal bells.

"The test is as follows: You three must take steal these bells from my person, and you may even use deadly force. You have an hour. Any questions?"

Sasuke spoke for the first time. "Deadly force? In other words, we have to fight you as if we mean to kill you. I like that." Sakura stared with stars in her eyes.

Kakashi hooked both bells to his pants. Sasuke and Naruto tensed, ready to take their teacher down, before Sakura piped up.

"Wait just a second! There are three of us, but only two bells! What gives?" Naruto and Sasuke both glared at the girl for interrupting the fight, but Kakashi chuckled.

"Yeah, I almost forgot. As we live in a corrupt and unfair world, the educational system is also flawed. Only two out of you three will move on. The odd one out will be sent back to the academy in disgrace." Kakashi seemed oddly giddy about that prospect, but Naruto wasn't fazed.

"Enough talk, fool!" Naruto ran towards Kakashi with his kunai knife in hand. Kakashi yawned, before stepping aside and jutting his foot out. Naruto tripped on it and fell like a sack of bricks.

"I'm not done yet!" Naruto idiotically yelled as he quickly jumped to his feet, and rammed headfirst into Kakashi – only it wasn't his teacher, but a large tree. An ominous feeling settled into the pit of Naruto's stomach as he sensed Kakashi behind him.

"A Thousand-Years of Death!" Naruto didn't recognize the name of the attack that Kakashi cried out, but it didn't sound painless at all.

Naruto gasped when he felt something poke his butt. It went deeper and deeper and –

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Naruto felt himself get shoved into the air, where he made all sorts of undignified sounds, before flopping back down to the ground.

Looking up, Naruto cursed as his eyes settled on a book that Kakashi was reading.

"Are you mocking me? You can't read during a fight!" Kakashi lowered the book so that his eyes peered over it.

"When you're that weak, I totally can. Besides, this book is the best! It's like _Fifty Shades of Grey_ for adult men." Peering at the novel's cover, Naruto could make out the words, " _Make-Out Paradise_."

"Gag me," Naruto moaned. Kakashi looked like he was about to do just that when a large flaming sword emerged from his gut. Naruto heard Kakashi make a retching noise.

"What?" Kakashi gasped, looking down in disbelief at the sharp object protruding from his stomach. Both Naruto and his impaled instructor turned at the sound of somehow monotone laughter.

"I know that emotionless voice anywhere!" Naruto yelled in shock. It was Sasuke, his arm outstretched as if he had just thrown a javelin, or in this case, a sword of doom!

"You let your guard down when dealing with that idiot. What a pity." Sasuke smirked, before pulling out a camera to record the ordeal.

Unfortunately, Kakashi's bloody body vanished in a puff of ninja smoke, and the real Kakashi emerged from the soil under Sasuke's feet, grabbing the sullen boy's ankles.

"What are you, some kind of tunnel rat?" Kakashi's response was to pull Sasuke down into the ground until only his head remained aboveground.

"You know, I've always wanted to practice my soccer skills," Kakashi muttered. Sasuke visibly paled.

"Only Sakura can save us now," Naruto said valiantly, as he had somehow gotten himself tied to a tree trunk with a ninja rope.

Kakashi burst into laughter. Slapping his knee, he managed to wheeze out, "Her? Hah hah, not likely. She's the one who'll need saving in a few moments!" Forming his fingers into ninja hand-signs, Kakashi disappeared.

A few moments later, Kakashi re-appeared, holding an unconscious Sakura. Dropping her unceremoniously on the rocky ground, Kakashu shook his head at the three students.

"I am very disappointed that you all failed. However, I will let you three try again after a short break. While I'm gone to, erm, finish my reading material, you guys can eat. Well, everyone but Naruto, for being a born loser!" Cackling, Kakashi threw a smoke bomb at the ground, which caused black smoke to fill the area. When the wind blew it away, Kakashi was gone.

"Wha happen?" Skaura slurred, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. Sasuke wordlessly handed her one of the kiddy lunch-packs that Kakashi had left behind. It was filled with nutritional food, like a ham and cheese sandwich.

"Guys, have a heart! I didn't get to have breakfast because I live alone and have no parents or money! Please share some food!" Sakura growled like a lion, shifting closer to Sasuke.

"I'd rather share with you," Sakura crooned, shoving an apple slice in Sasuke's mouth. Sasuke grabbed his throat desperately, before collapsing on the ground. Screaming, Sakura pounded on Sasuke's chest as hard as she could. Naruto heard a sound like breaking glass.

"Sakura, hit him even harder!" Naruto encouraged, trying to keep the grin off his face. Nodding, Sakura jumped into the air, and landed elbow-first on Sasuke, who coughed up the apple slice, among other things.

"Naruto, you saved Sasuke's life. I guess I'll have to show mercy and feed you a piece of this whole wheat bread." Sakura threw the moldy food into Naruto's open mouth. The second the food slid down his throat, a large explosion rocked the forest around them.

"YOU FED HIM! FOR THAT, YOU WILL ALL DIE!" Kakashi emerged from the ground once again, his eyes enlarged by anger and hatred. Naruto closed his own eyes in fear, knowing that escape wouldn't be possible as long as he was tied to the tree.

Then a phone began to ring. Holding up a hand, Kakashi put the red phone to his ear. "Yup. Aha. Aw nuts! You're sure? Well, I guess if you say so."

Hanging up, Kakashi looked at his three students for a moment before grumpily saying, "You all pass, apparently. Power of teamwork is for the win." Silently, he walked a few steps away towards a stone monument, where a bunch of dead ninja were listed. Kakashi stood forlornly, the sudden pitter-patter of raindrops soaking his clothing.

Naruto couldn't make out the names on the monument, but he wondered if any of them would end up being important characters one day…

"Anyway, let's go," Kakashi said, back to his bright self. He began to skip away, Sakura and Sasuke eagerly following.

"Hey, wait! You can't leave me tied up here all alone! Someone, help!" Naruto struggled against the bonds shackling him to the piece of wood, but it was to no avail.

"I am so gonna catch a cold," Naruto grumbled as the rain continued to soak him to the bone. Even worse, he was still stuck in a forest, where any old wild animal could eat him. It was gonna be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With Shippuden supposedly ending any week now, I fully expect a Boruto anime announcement soon.


	4. A Real Mission!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chasing stupid cats around is fun and all, but Naruto is itching for a real grown-up mission. He may get his wish...

Naruto had finally become a true ninja, or at least a true ninja in training. He had passed Kakashi's test (whatever that was). Finally, people would respect him.

Or they would if he wasn't stuck doing such lame ninja missions like helping a cat get down a tree, which is what he and his two teammates were currently trying to do. Somehow, it was taking the whole day.

"Here, kitty," Sakura called sweetly, but the cat only climbed further up the tree. Sasuke voted that they hack the tree down, but Naruto voted against it. Actually, he liked the idea, but he would never agree with Sasuke.

"How did this happen?" Naruto sighed as he recalled the events that led up to the current day.

After having to spend the whole night tied to the tree stump, Naruto finally managed to wriggle his way out of the ropes. Anger sharpening his mind, Naruto dashed to the Hokage's house to complain. Once inside, Naruto was surprised to discover Kakashi was already talking with the ninja leader.

"Ah, good to see you, Naruto. We were just talking about how all three of you passed the test." Naruto decided to skip being angry about being ditched in the forest, and instead asked a question.

"So, does that mean I'm finally ready to take on some big-boy, no-nonsense, lethal ninja missions?" Kakashi winked, and Naruto couldn't help but cheer. Finally, he would be respected.

"Your first mission," the Hokage intoned seriously, "is of great importance. You must locate a missing cat and bring it home." Naruto could feel his excitement literally turn into dread and despair.

Naruto was jolted back to the present when the large tabby jumped on his yellow hair and began scratching.

"GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" Naruto couldn't help but cry fearfully. Sasuke and Sakura sniggered openly. Grumbling under his breath, Naruto grabbed the gray cat none too gently and tossed it in the sack that Kakashi had made then bring.

"I just had a thought: where the heck is Kakashi? Aren't the teachers supposed to come with their students on missions?" Naruto never bothered to read instruction books, but he was 85% sure that this was true.

Sakura nodded. "Oh, he probably just didn't want to admit that this was a dumb mission. I don't care though; it means I get more quality time with Sasuke!" Flipping her pink hair, the girl turned to the object of her affections – only, he was already walking away from her, and towards the direction of the Hokage's house, where they would inform the higher ups that they had accomplished their task.

Holding the sack with both hands, Naruto kicked the doors open. He had to fight the urge to laugh when his eyes met with the sight of a middle-aged lady wearing the gaudiest clothing ever.

"Princess!" she shrieked, running towards Naruto and snatching the sack from his hands. Naruto almost gagged as the perfumes she had no doubt bathed in overtook his nostrils. Through the corner of his eyes, he could see Sakura cover her mouth, and Sasuke turn slightly away from the lady.

"Oh, my darling," the lady cooed as she rubbed her cheek against the nonplussed cat. The large lady fished a small, pink bow out from her purse and placed it on the tabby's head.

"Isn't that cat a male?" Naruto whispered to Sakura. She nodded, and the two had to once again cover their mouths, this time to hide the giggles. The oblivious lady raised her nose, and pranced out of the room as if she was the queen of the world.

The moment she left the room, Naruto ran over to the Hokage's desk and fell to his knees on the dirty ground. He bowed his head hard enough to crack the floor.

"Hokage, I beg of you to give us a mission worthy of a ninja, and by that, I mean a mission that a kindergartener couldn't do!" The Hokage didn't have any mercy in his withered eyes, and the fact that Sasuke and Sakura weren't bowing didn't help any.

"You want a real mission so badly? Fine, then you can have a really dangerous mission! But not too dangerous, I swear! This will be a C-rank mission!" The Hokage clapped his hands, and two figures entered the room: Kakashi, and someone Naruto didn't recognize. He was an old man with glasses, and a wide hat to block the sun. He was also carrying a bottle of booze, which explained the beer belly.

"This man is Tazuna. He has hired us to protect him," Kakashi helpfully explained to his confused audience.

"Does he have a last name?" Sasuke asked, folding his arms. Kakashi rubbed the back of his head.

"I don't know, but he says that we can call him Tazuna the Bridge Builder if we have to." Sasuke grunted, staring at the ground. Before Kakashi could say anything else, Tazuna shoved him aside.

"These kids will be protecting me? I dun believe it! They look like a gust o' wind could blow them over! HIC!" Tazuna took a large gulp of his bottle before tossing it at the Hokage, who ducked just in time to avoid getting splashed in the face.

Naruto felt his face heat up, along with his stomach, although the latter may have been due to the spicy ramen he ate that morning. How dare Tazuna say that he was just a kid?

"Look here, grandpa, I'm Naruto Uzumaki! Write that name down, because one day you'll beg me for favors! Don't underestimate me! Power of friendship! Believe it!"

"Enough with the clichés, brat," Tazuna growled. Giving Naruto a swipe on the head, the surly man turned to face Kakashi.

"I am building a really large bridge. It would have been done years ago, but I keep firing all my workers. To make things worse, an assassin seems to be after me. How do I know? Because I keep getting letters in my mailbox that say I'm going to die! I've been getting them for years, and I'm freaked out!"

Kakashi placed a calming hand on Tazuna's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll protect you." Tazuna gave the younger ninja a glance.

'What about them? Can they help protect me too?" Kakashi chuckled nervously, not sure how to respond to that question.

"Of course I can! I'm the best ninja ever, believe it!" Naruto didn't care if that catch-phrase was annoying. He liked it, so he would keep saying it.

"Just don't get in my way," Sasuke said darkly in his rival-like way. Sakura swooned, but Naruto wasn't impressed. He could say cool things too.

"We're leaving immediately," Kakashi ordered, walking out the front door without looking back to see if his orders were being followed.

* * *

Hours later, Naruto was already sick of the mission. It wasn't the long walk that bugged him (the summer scenery, with the trees and tall, green grass was pleasant), but Sakura's whining.

"Are we there yet?" she asked for the umpteenth time. Naruto was shocked that Sasuke hadn't cracked and slapped her yet. The sun was bearing down on them hard, and the heat made everyone irritable.

"You know, I was only half-listening. Where are we going again?" Naruto felt he had to ask for the sake of the team.

"We're heading to the Land of Waves, where beach parties are an everyday occurrence, and where 90% of deaths are drowning-related." It sounded fun to Naruto, mostly because Konoha had no swimming pools. There were a few bathhouses, but they were free to the public, and the last thing Naruto wanted was to take a bath with Sasuke.

"Oh, that makes sense," Sakura said in awe. "With all that pesky water, a bridge would be completely necessary." Sasuke sighed.

"But then why would someone not want you to build it? Even assassins need bridges to cross the ocean. It makes no sense. I must brood on this." Sasuke closed his eyes, and began to hum. Naruto and the others quickly walked on ahead.

As the group continued walking down the hot path, Sakura halted to a stop. "I was just thinking…if we come across this assassin, we'll have to fight. I've never been in a real fight before!"

Naruto slung his arm around the worried girl, and gave her a confident grin. "I'll pulverize any villains we meet, believe it!"

Kakashi nodded. "Yes, I expect that we'll only come across weak bandits and lame homeless ninja. Most likely, these will be opponents that we could face on a D-rank mission." Sakura placed a hand over her heart and sighed in relief.

With the speed of a cat scurrying from an iffy situation, two ninja draped in dark cloaks dashed out of the bushes. With blinding agility, they surrounded Tazuna.

"We are elite chunin from the Hidden Mist Village. Prepare to die!"

"You were saying, Kakashi?" Sakura looked disgusted at her teacher. Rounding on Naruto, she grabbed his shoulders and shook him like a rag doll.

"Naruto, you said that you would pulverize them! Go beat them up!" She shoved Naruto towards one of the Hidden Mist ninja. Naruto took one glance at the poison-dipped, metallic claws attached to the evil-doers hands. With a gulp, he froze-up.

"LOL, you're a pretty wimpy kid." One of the Hidden Mist assassins stabbed Naruto in the hand. The yellow-haired ninja fell on the ground and began rolling in pain.

Meanwhile, the second assassin dashed towards Tazuna, who quickly grabbed Sakura as a meat-shield. Fortunately, Sasuke jumped in front of the astonished girl. As the assassin edged closer, Kakashi dove in and punched the evil ninja hard enough that his armor broke.

"Sorry Sasuke, but I want to get all the credit," Kakashi said calmly, ignoring the intense flames in Sasuke's eyes. Not wanting to be shamed, Sasuke tossed a grenade at the ninja staring at Naruto. Absently, the Hidden Mist creep caught the bomb, before exploding.

"Sasuke, Sakura, good job and fast thinking. Naruto, I'm disappointed that you froze up when you finally got to go up against an adult ninja who was trained in the art of killing. Even though you are only twelve, I still find your fear to be pretty silly."

Sasuke smirked at Naruto. "What's wrong, you chicken? Do you need me to hold your hand?"

Naruto stuck his tongue out, before getting an idea. "Oh, you'd like that, SasuGAY." Kakashi and Tazuna burst into laughter, and Sakura got a nosebleed from the mental image.

"At least I'm not bleeding," Sasuke shot back. Naruto looked at his hand, which was a mistake. It was bleeding heavily, causing the plucky ninja to grow nauseous.

"Kakashi, HELP I'M GONNA DIE!" The sobbing ninja didn't understand when Kakashi simply shook his head, and began to walk once more towards the Land of Waves, followed by everyone else. Sniffing, Naruto glanced down at his hand, which was already healing for some reason.

* * *

Zabuza Momochi was lounging on the ratty, hole-filled couch in his run-down shack. The constant mist in the village had long ago worn all the wood that his home was made of, but that was just how he liked it. So what if people called him a sewer rat?

Unfortunately, his door had broken down months ago, which meant that just any old loser could come waltzing in, which is just what was happening now.

A small man (more of a mouse, really) had waddled in, followed by a posse of butt-kissers. The man's name was Gato, and he was a rich gangster who hired assassins to do things that he couldn't do himself. What he lacked in stature, he had in money.

"Zabuza," Gato squeaked, his voice about as high-pitched as a whistle, "I am disappointed. Those two assassin brothers that you sent are apparently dead. I don't like failure, not one bit. And I am paying you a boat-load of cash! Isn't that incentive enough?"

Angered, Zabuza swung his over-sized sword at Gato, stopping with the blade only inches from the tiny man's neck. Gato gulped.

"Gato, I don't take orders from midgets like you. You hired me to kill the bridge builder, and I will. However, I don't appreciate your tone." Zabuza grinned, although Gato wouldn't be able to see it, as the whole lower half of Zabuza's face was covered in mummy-type bandages.

Lifting the front of his sword close to Gato's mouth, Zabuza smirked. "Now suck, if you know what's good for you. C'mon, baby." Whimpering, Gato began to lick the blade.

"And next you can lick my sandals!"


	5. Copy-Cat Ninja

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When our heroes are attacked by their first villains, they'll have to use teamwork.  
> Or not.

"Why does he keep staring at me?" Naruto was pretending to bird watch, but he could see Kakashi steal glances his way out of the corner of his eyes. He had been alternating between that, and glaring at Tazuna. Naruto hoped that Kakashi wasn't lumping him and that drunk together!

Naruto and his group continued traveling down the forest path towards the Land of Waves. Fortunately, the trees had started to become thicker, blocking out any unwanted sunlight. It was easier being a ninja when you could sneak around in the cover of shadows, even if you happened to be wearing a bright and orange jumpsuit.

Now if only Kakashi would stop giving him weird glances, things would be great. Naruto stopped, and crouched down, pretending to tie his shoelaces, forgetting that he was wearing sandals. Quickly glancing up, he saw Kakashi look back at Tazuna. But Naruto's keen eyes hadn't missed it; Kakashi had been staring at his hand, the one that had been stabbed.

_Oh, I see_ , Naruto thought gleefully. _He's jealous because the stab wound has already healed. He wishes he had my healing ability!_

His musings were cut short when he bumped into Sasuke. Rubbing his throbbing nose, Naruto growled.

"Hey, watch it! Why'd you stop so suddenly, you jerk?" Sasuke wordlessly pointed at Kakashi, who had grabbed Tazuna by the shoulder.

"Tazuna, I've kept quiet so as to not embarrass you, but I can't keep it in any longer. I believe that you lied to us. The Hokage informed us that you said this would be a simple mission, but those two thugs from before were high-level assassins. This mission would be considered an A rank mission!"

"What? I don't know what you're talking about?" Tazuna looked confused, and not in the normal drunk way that he looked for over half the time Naruto knew the man.

Kakashi slapped Tazuna in the face, and the not-so-drunk civilian fell to the ground crying like a sissy.

"Don't you lie to me, Tazuna. It would serve you right if I canceled the mission, took these kids home, and left you at the mercy of the assassins."

Sakura let out a gasp, and she managed to leave Sasuke's side so that she could dash to her angry teacher and take hold of his hand.

"Kakashi, no! We can't just leave this man to die!" Naruto smiled. Sakura wasn't just beautiful, she was kind too. What a girl!

"If we leave him to die, we won't get the money for accomplishing the mission!" Sakura's eyes filled with tears, and Kakashi's widened at the horrific prospect of returning home without a single earned cent.

"Fine, Tazuna. We'll complete the mission for you, but you had better pay up afterwards!" Tazuna shakily nodded, and the group continued on deeper into the forest.

Sakura had slunk back to Sasuke, and tried to loop her arm around his. He maneuvered out of her grasp, but she remained undeterred.

Loudly, she exclaimed, "Sasuke, you were so brave back there, protecting me and taking on one of those goons. What can't you do?" Frustrated at having to hear Sakura praise that jerk's deeds, Naruto decided that next time, he would have to man up!

Dashing ahead of the group, Naruto brandished his kunai knife, attempting to look fierce and manly. He heard a rumbling under one of the bushes, and threw his kunai at the noise. A terrified bunny hopped out from under the plant, shaking and making confused noises.

It was a well known fact that many shinobi could summon animals to help fight, including dogs, snakes, and slugs. Naruto had never heard of anyone using a bunny, but there was always a first time for everything. The bunny would have to die

Naruto cried out in pain when a fist knocked him on the head. Rubbing his scalp and whimpering, he looked up into the angry eyes of Sakura.

"How could you threaten a cute, innocent bunny? Forget the assassins; you're the real threat here, Naruto!" Her words burned, but he had no time to think about that, because a huge freaking sword was flying towards them. Without stopping to consider his actions, Naruto tackled Sakura into the grassy ground, the sword whizzing above them and just barely slicing his yellow hair.

"Get off me, you pervert!" Sakura apparently wasn't impressed by his act of selflessness.

The sword had embedded itself into one of the many trees, and the sight made Naruto gulp. Just who was strong enough to throw a sword with that much force?

Out of nowhere, a sinister and baritone laugh sounded out. Naruto and his comrades immediately surrounded defenseless Tazuna, who still looked confused at all the events that were unfolding.

Suddenly, there was a man standing on the sword, which was still stuck in the tree. It was an undeniably impressive, if almost physically impossible, feat.

"Who are you?" Kakashi made sure to use the tone of voice he employed when ordering around the younger ninja. The man standing on the sword didn't seem impressed.

"I guess I'm not as popular as I thought. Ah, what can you do? My name is Zabuza Momochi, and I am the man who hired those assassins to kill Gato. Ugh, I should have known better than to hire two vagrants."

The man made a handsign and muttered some words. While the lunatic was doing that, Naruto turned to Kakashi, who had tensed up during the speech.

"Sensei, what is it?" Kakashi gave Naruto a worried look.

"Zabuza Momochi is a famous S-class criminal. He excels at the art of silent killing, which means that he doesn't yell out fancy attack names while he fights. We could learn a thing or two from him!"

"Yeah, if we could see him! Where did this darn fog come from?" As far as Naruto knew, none of the weather ninja had reported rain.

"I didn't mention? Zabuza has the power to create fog in any area he wants. For a ninja who specializes in assassination, that is actually fairly impressive." Naruto wished that Kakashi would mention important details like that sooner.

"Ready or not, here I come," Zabuza sang, wrecking his element of surprise.

Sasuke started shaking. He was so frightened that he yelled, "I want to die!" Naruto giggled at the outburst.

"Since you weak kids are a liability, I'm afraid that I'll have to use…THAT technique!" Kakashi placed a hand on his headband, the one that covered one of his eyes. Everyone gasped.

"Sensei, you can't mean that!" Sakura gasped from behind Tazuna. Sasuke also looked nervous, as if he was concerned about getting hit in the crossfire.

"Um, am I missing something as usual? What technique?" Naruto scratched his head as his anime eyes became super thin.

"To be honest, we don't know. It sounds really lethal, though," Sasuke explained. Naruto collapsed on the ground as a form of comic relief.

"This better be cooler than that disgusting One Thousand Years of Death thing," Naruto grumbled. His rear end felt sore just thinking about that crippling attack.

"Oh, you'll see," Kakashi said as he lifted his crooked headband, revealing – an eye! Naruto had expected Kakashi's hidden eye to be missing or something, but it was right there plain as day. On closer inspection, though, the eye was red! That wasn't a weird thing in itself, but Kakashi's other eye was colored a dull grey.

"The Sharingan? NO WAY THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Naruto was amused to see Sasuke screaming in fear.

"I know why you're shocked, Sasuke. After all, only an Uchiha such as yourself should possess the Sharingan. So why would I, who isn't an Uchiha, have one? Well, that is a story I won't get to explain for over forty more chapters, maybe even more!"

Tazuna grunted in pain and fell over, clutching his bleeding arm. Sakura screamed, backing up from the disturbing sight.

"You mean while we were talking and totally ignoring Tazuna, Zabusa managed to slash the poor guy? Some bodyguards we are!" Naruto felt disgusted at their shoddy performance.

"Sasuke, help me out by using your own Sharingan power! Unlike me, you should have it in both of your eyes!" Sasuke nodded in a determined fashion, before turning around and subtly putting something in his eyes.

When he faced the heroes again, Kakashi and Naruto both snorted with laughter. Sasuke had put on red contacts in an attempt to fool them into thinking he had the Sharingan.

"Fine, I admit it. I don't know how to use the Sharingan, even though my brother learned when he was six years younger than I am!" Sulking, Sasuke went over by a tree and sat down. Naruto could hear some faint sobs coming from the emo ninja.

"What does the Sharingan do, exactly?" Kakashi rubbed his head, overwhelmed by Sakura's question.

"Let me tell you, little girl," Zabuza remarked as he calmly walked out of the fog as if he didn't give a dog's tail about losing his cover.

"Sharingan is a visual power that allows opponents to copy other people's movements and attacks. Because of this, Kakashi was named the Copy Ninja for many years."

"It's true," Kakashi whispered. "For a long time, I would win all my fights by shamelessly copying superior opponent's powers and using it against them." Kakashi closed both his eyes in shame. Zabuza yelled in triumph, before making more handsigns.

Suddenly, the tiny water droplets in the surrounding mist solidified, and formed a solid bubble around Kakashi. The experienced ninja banged his fist against the steel-like texture of the bubble, but it was to no avail.

"Ha, I tricked you into closing your eyes so that you couldn't evade or copy my Water Prison jutsu. The water is as strong as gold, so breaking out will be impossible for you!" Naruto stared at his teacher, disappointed in the ease in which Zabuza had tricked him.

"Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura! I know the smart thing to do would be to escape with Tazuna and get some help! However, I am really freaked right now! Help me!"

Zabuza's body shook with silent laughter. Making yet another hand sign, Zabuza drove a fist into the dark waters. Naruto felt air escape his mouth as the water under Zabuza began to take the form of…Zabuza?

"Did you just make a clone? No fair, that's my shtick! Now who's being a copy-cat?" Naruto was enraged that his main gimmick was being taken away!

"Well, there is one small difference; my clone is made of water, and won't turn into a bunch of dust after a single strike!" To prove his point, Zabuza's clone dashed towards Naruto, every footstep making a splashing sound.

Naruto stumbled as he backed up, and ended up falling on his butt. Shaking in fear, Naruto closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the impossibly large sword cut through him. He opened his eyes again when he felt himself being picked up by someone.

"Sasuke? When did you learn to swing like Tarzan?" Sasuke was holding on to Naruto with one arm, and holding on to a vine with the other.

"Shut up. I need you to turn into an inanimate object." Naruto didn't even know he could do that, but it was worth a try. Concentrating, he turned into a giant shruiken of doom. Sasuke grunted as he threw Naruto with all his might at Zabuza – the real Zabuza!

Zabuza was faster than even Naruto could imagine, and he simply jumped over the shruiken. Realizing that Zabuza was vulnerable, Naruto quickly shifted back into his human form and tossed some sharp weapons at Zabuza.

Zabuza dove into the water, and stayed there for over ten minutes. When he resurfaced, Kakashi was waiting for him.

"No!" Zabuza rasped, his throat raw from the water he swallowed.

"You look like a drowned rat," Kakashi joked. Zabuza sobbed, and Naruto and Sasuke high-fived each other. The power of teamwork was a beautiful thing!

"Hey, guys? Did you forget about me?" Sakura was hiding behind a tree. Sasuke and Kakashi sighed, giving Zabuza time to kick Kakashi in the chest.

"This is a Shonen story. Battles don't end that quick!" Naruto knew that Zabuza was right; the battle was just beginning!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins Sakura's reign of being useless... Tazuna is no better, though.


	6. Tazuna's Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Tazuna's wonderful family. His wife is a beacon of warmth and love.

The tension could be cut with a kunai knife as Kakashi stared down Zabuza. Both men were rigid with anticipation for the next attack.

"Kakashi, now that we saved your butt, can we help you fight Zabuza?" Naruto was eager for some action, and after his cowardly portrayal previously, he knew that he had to get back his dignity.

"Sorry, but you kids will just slow me down. Zabuza is mine," Kakashi answered, seemingly forgetting that said kids had just saved his life moments ago.

"You know what? Forget you! You just want to take all the credit for yourself!" Naruto dashed towards Zabuza, and Sasuke followed close behind. The two ninja were in agreement for once, and their moves were in synch as well as they both started to weave hand signs to fire off a jutsu.

Zabuza chuckled, and swung his sword in the direction of his two younger opponents. The force of the swing was so intense that it created a gust of wind that sent Naruto and Sasuke flying back.

However, Zabuza's move had forced him to turn his back on Kakashi, who had seemingly disappeared. Being a veteran assassin, Zabuza knew better, and jumped in the air moments before Kakashi's hands emerged from the ground.

Cursing, Kakashi tried to dig deeper, but Zabuza gave his exposed head a good kick. Naruto was surprised that Kakashi's head didn't go flying into the distance.

"You can all come at me together; it won't be enough to satiate me." Kakashi let out a weak chuckle.

"That's what she said," he informed Zabuza gravely. As the Hidden Mist assassin paused to take that in, Kakashi jumped out of the hole he made in the soil, and joined Naruto and Sasuke.

"Sasuke, I could really use some extra Sharingan help." Sasuke kicked a pebble on the ground sulkily.

"This is getting us nowhere. Fine, it's time I show you youngsters my true power!" Kakashi stuck his tongue out at Zabuza, who began to weave hand signs. Kakashi grinned, and also began making fancy hand signals. On closer inspection, Naruto realized that Kakashi was making the same motions that Zabuza was. It was uncanny.

He could also see Zabuza begin to sweat, either from the strain, or from the humiliation of being copied. Zabuza began to create his hand signs at an alarmingly fast rate, but Kakashi was able to follow along effortlessly.

"Stop that! Stop copying me!" Kakashi cocked his head, as if he had trouble hearing.

"What's wrong? Getting tired already, Zabuza? Maybe you're not all that after all? I don't think you'll survive this encounter with me." Zabuza's eyes became bloodshot, and he finally ceased the hand signs as a large dragon made entirely of water flew out of a nearby lake.

As Zabuza raised his arms in triumph, a second water dragon quickly followed suite, and crashed into the first H2O dragon. Both blew up from the strain of the crash, and all that remained of their wet bodies rained down over the forest.

"Now look what you did," Zabuza complained, pointing up vaguely at the sky to prove his point. Kakashi had to wipe his long, white hair from his eyes to look up. He didn't see anything, but that was probably the point.

"This is a stalemate," Sasuke muttered. Sakura, meanwhile, had begun crying about how the rain would mess up her hair, as if the constant mist hadn't already.

"Kakashi, you told me before that you didn't think I'd survive this battle. Why is that?" Zabuza's shoulders heaved, the high use of chakra to create the large water dragon taking its toll.

"Because I foresaw your death with my Sharingan," Kakashi answered impressively. Naruto and Sakura gasped in delight and awe, and Zabuza inhaled sharply.

"Um, the Sharingan can't do that. I've read all about it as a kid, so I know," Sasuke said, killing the mood and Kakashi's bluff with two sentences.

"You just had to open your mouth," Kakashi muttered with disgust, using the anger to create another water dragon, which slammed Zabuza against a tree, hard enough that Naruto heard some bones break.

As Zabuza struggled to stand up straight, Naruto, Sasuke, and Kakashi took the chance to surround Zabuza.

"I will still kill you all! You hear me? None of you will escape alive! After that, I will end that bridge builder! And then I'll – urk!" Zabuza's cried became strangled and bloody as three sharp needles lodged themselves into his throat. With a gargled noise, he fell face down on the muddy ground.

"Did I do that?" Sakura asked dumbly, before being silenced y the swift arrival of a masked ninja, who kneeled in front of Zabuza's body to pick it up. The ninja was slender, not quite as tall as Zabuza, and had long, silky black hair that ran down to the lower back. The ninja's hands were white and soft-looking, and each nail was colored with blue nail polish.

The masked stranger turned to the group, and began speaking in a feminine voice. "I apologize for…dropping in so suddenly, but Zabuza was worth a pretty penny." With a giggle, the stranger vanished, along with the corpse.

"Um…were we just robbed of our bounty?" Naruto didn't want to believe that they had just been one-upped by some random female.

"Now now, we can still earn the reward as long as we keep Tazuna safe while he builds the bridge," Kakashi reasoned like the sane adult he was.

"Speaking of, where is the geezer?" Naruto looked around, until he spotted the old man on the ground, unconscious from the blood loss his wound caused. Hopefully the Hokage wouldn't find out about that!

Unfortunately, Tazuna was joined by Kakashi, who had seemingly succumbed to his wounds, even though he hadn't been badly injured in the battle.

"You aren't faking, are you?" Naruto eyes his teacher suspiciously. Kakashi began perspiring under the intense gaze.

"No. I have a confession to make. Despite being a jonin level ninja, I have some of the lowest chakra reserves in the village. Because of this, I basically drain all my power when I use my Sharingan for even a few minutes." It was the saddest thing that Naruto had ever heard, and he felt the respect he had gained for his teacher during the fight rapidly deplete.

In the end, Naruto and Sasuke had to build a sled using tree branches, and had pulled the unconscious Tazuna and the weakened Kakashi all the way to Tazuna's home village. The whole town was surrounded by a lake, but since the ferry never showed up, they were forced to take a small boat, which ended up sinking halfway there.

Upon finally arriving at Tazuna's house (that is to say, small hut) Naruto collapsed on the ground, and even Sasuke had to lean against the fence surrounding the hut. That turned out to be a bad idea after the fence broke under Sasuke's weight.

At the sound of splintering wood, a lady with dark-blue hair rushed out of the hut brandishing an iron skillet. Snarling, she whacked Naruto on the head.

"Why does this always happen to me?" Deciding that it was do or die, he ran at the lady with intent to dismember, before being stopped by Tazuna, who had woken up.

"It's alright, Tsunami; these are the ninja bodyguards we hired." Tsunami blushed, before bowing her head and apologizing to Naruto. He just turned his head.

"The least I can do is offer you a hot meal, and a place to rest," Tsunami said invitingly, seconds before Naruto and Sakura dashed inside, leaving Sasuke to haul Kakashi's body inside.

After the meal (which included steamed dumplings, rice and beans, and sushi) was prepared, Naruto immediately gobbled up a mouthful of each. As he tried hard to keep his food down, a sullen voice reached his ears.

"You shouldn't eat so much. You could die from stomach complications." Naruto burped, before looking at the little boy across the table. He was wearing a worn hat.

"Inari, be nice," Tsunami scolded. Turning to the ninja group, she added, "Inari is my son. You'll have to forgive his rude ways. He seems to think that everything is fatal."

"Mom, these are the ninja we hired?" After Tsunami nodded, Inari banged a fist on the table. "What's the point? They're just going to die. All heroes die eventually." Angered, Naruto slapped the little boy. Sobbing, Inari ran out of the room and up the stairs.

"Did you just hit my son? I will kill you!" Tsunami grabbed a kitchen knife and threw it at Naruto, but Sakura caught the knife with her glove-engulfed hand.

"Finally, an opponent I can fight!" Grinning, Sakura tackled Tsunami, and the two rolled right out the door, which Tazuna quickly locked.

The rest of the meal was fairly quiet, until Kakashi sat up from his make-shift bed on the floor and cried out, "No! Rin!" Breathing hard, Kakashi lowered his face in his hands.

"Kakashi, what is it?" Naruto wanted to help his teacher, but Kakashi shook his head and changed the subject.

"I hope you guys saved some food for me." As luck would have it, they had saved some riceballs for the copycat ninja, and Kakashi ate them with relish.

"Anyway," Kakashi said with his mouth completely full, "I forgot to mention, but I don't think that Zabuza is dead after all." Naruto and Sasuke exchanged glances, and Tazuna proceeded to hide under the rickety table.

"You see, those needles aren't fatal, in hindsight. I know I've seen them before, but I can't quite place it. Anyway, that masked figure could have just aimed at Zabuza's heart. By not doing so, I suspect that the masked person intended to help Zabuza escape."

"Good," Naruto exclaimed, punching the wall. "I want some payback. I do wonder what those needles were, then…"

* * *

Deeper in the forest, near Zabuza's hideout, the masked figure laid the body of said assassin on the ground, and began to pluck the needles from the neck area.

"OW! SUNNUVAGUN THAT HURTS!" The masked ninja giggled slightly, before patting Zabuza on his well-toned chest.

"Don't be worried, master. These are only acupuncture needles. In fact, they may have made you even stronger." Zabuza growled, and snatched the mask off the giggling ninja's face.

"Haku, I know I ordered you to fake killing me, but did you have to do it in such a painful and embarrassing way? My reputation is on the line." Haku covered his red-colored lips as he giggled.

"Oh master, you are so handsome when you get angry. But dear me, I think my show convinced the others. Now we'll just swoop in and kill the bridge builder." Together, Zabuza and Haku began to make plans – plans to kill their enemies!


	7. I Can't See the Forest For the Trees!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be a ninja, you have to know how to climb trees. Also, Inari sure is a sweetheart, eh?

"FIELD TRIP!" Naruto was super-duper excited, because he had never been on a field trip before, let alone during a tense mission. Sakura had to voice her doubts, though, especially after Kakashi brought her up to speed.

"But Kakashi, what about Tazuna? If Zabuza really isn't dead, he might attack the bridge builder while we're off on the trip!" Kakashi patted her on the head.

"Sakura, it's so cute how you think that the opinions of my students actually matter. Besides, after the whooping Zabuza got, I'm sure he'll think twice before coming back for a rematch anytime soon." Naruto was so drunk with joy that he slapped Kakashi hard on the back. The poor man, who was using a crutch for some reason, collapsed on the ground.

"Darn you, Naruto! Help me up!" Naruto and Sasuke leaned down to help, while Sakura looked at the crutch suspiciously.

"Kakashi, why do you need that crutch? You didn't injure your knee, did you?" Kakashi began to sweat, causing Naruto and Sasuke to lose their grip on him.

A few hours later, and the tired and hungry group of ragtag ninja reached their destination: a forest.

"This is the biggest rip-off ever! Kakashi, we were literally just in a forest yesterday when we were fighting that sword-using freak! What kind of field-trip is this?" Naruto punched a tree to show off his anger, before howling in pain when some splinters embedded themselves in his knuckles.

"The educational kind of field trip," Kakashi nonchalantly answered, before walking towards one of the trees. Naruto expected Kakashi to rest in the shade, but instead, the man kept going, until he started to walk vertically up the tree trunk, crutch and all.

Naruto realized that his mouth was open when a fly flew inside. Spitting, Naruto still couldn't keep the look of admiration of his face. Even Sasuke twitched one of his eyes, which was how you knew that he was impressed.

"How did you do that?" Naruto wanted to learn how to climb trees like that; it would make it so much easier to run away from Iruka!

"I used the power of chakra," Kakashi explained, pulling a large chart out of his hair, and placing it on the ground. Naruto stepped on it and grabbed Kakashi, his eyes sparkling.

"Teach me your ways," Naruto begged.

"Here is what you do," Kakashi started, lifting his feet towards the kid's faces. Sakura gagged.

"You know about making hand-signs, of course. Well, do that, but place the chakra power in your feet. It should create a sticky sensation, which will allow you to climb trees."

"Like Spider-Man? Cool." Naruto's response made Kakashi and Sakura wince. The last thing the ninja world needed was to get sued.

Kakashi stomped his foot like an infant to get everyone's attention. "Whoever climbs the tree the fastest wins, and gets to go back to Tazuna's home to enjoy dinner. But remember, you can only climb using your feet. No hands allowed."

Kakashi grabbed a gun out of nowhere, and fired it into the darkening sky. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura all charged separate trees. Naruto immediately fell on his head the second he tried to climb the tree. Growling, he tried again, but his feet refused to stick!

_What am I doing wrong? I'm concentrating as hard as I can, except when I'm daydreaming about ramen and Sakura._

Looking up, Naruto saw Sasuke make it halfway before starting to fall. But unlike Naruto, he fell gracefully on his feet, and even managed to twirl in midair so that he could leave a mark on the tree with his kunai. The marking would show how far Sasuke had gone.

Before Naruto or Sasuke could try again, a piercing whistle almost shot their eardrums. The noise had come from Kakashi, who declared the race over. Naruto and Sasuke glanced at each other in shock, before staring at the top of Sakura's tree, where the female ninja was waving and blowing kisses at an imaginary audience.

"She….actually did something impressive? I must be dreaming," Naruto muttered, dazed that he had lost to Sakura. He truly was the worst ninja in his group! Sakura must have overheard him, because she stuck out her tongue at him.

"Congratulations, Sakura! You get to go home early and eat Tsunami's fresh home-cooked dinner. The two guys will have to make do with the cold leftovers." Kakashi gave his two male students a look of disappointment.

Sakura scrambled down the tree, and quickly ran to Sasuke, grabbing the dark-haired teen in a hug. "I bet you'll be able to do it soon!" Giving Naruto one last glare, Sakura skipped away towards the shack where a fresh bowl of soup was to be served.

"Hmph! If she can do it, so can we!" Naruto roared, and Sasuke grunted for background noise. The two ninja gritted their teeth, and dashed towards the large clump of trees in front of them.

A few minutes and tumbles later, a stiff-bodied Naruto looked up to see Kakashi walking away, his nose deep into one of his smutty books.

"Where are you going? Shouldn't you be watching?" Kakashi lowered his book and gave a short wave.

"Frankly, I'm getting bored of watching you two. I think I'll just go and help myself to some of that delicious stew being prepared. But you two have to stay until you master climbing trees." Kakashi cruelly used a teleportation jutsu to escape the vicinity.

"Why am I always being starved? A ninja needs to keep up his strength." Still, Naruto had his dignity. He wouldn't quit. After all, if he wanted to get revenge on everyone who had ever laughed or teased him, he would have to become hokage of Konoha!

"Let's keep trying," Naruto told Sasuke, who was searching for something in a bush. Curious, Naruto sneakily slid up to Sasuke, and jammed his hand inside the bush. His fingers touched something cold, and he yanked his hand out.

"What did you lose?" Sasuke shrugged, trying to look indifferent, but he was slightly more tense than usual.

"Oh, I know. You dropped your red contacts, didn't you?" Sasuke punched the nearest tree, his eyes almost watery. He opened his mouth to say something, and then seemingly thought better of it, choosing instead to dive headfirst into the bush.

When Sasuke emerged, the contacts were back on his eyes – but he was also holding onto a large skunk.

"Thank fast!" Sasuke tossed the oversized rodent to Naruto, and since Naruto had really bad reflexes, he wasn't able to drop it on the ground before it sprayed some skunk funk in his nostrils. Gasping in terror, Naruto fainted.

* * *

Sakura had been so excited to dig into a hot soup that she had almost burst a blood vessel trying to stay calm when Tsunami coldly informed her that she hadn't been able to buy any groceries due to the assassins. Tazuna had quickly said that he and Sakura would head to town to buy the required food.

When they reached the main town, Sakura was surprised at how run-down it looked. The clothing store was filled with moths, the sports center only sold deflated balls, and even the ninja shop had run out of weapons.

As they quietly passed a thin dog that growled at anyone wearing red clothing, Sakura felt someone slap her butt. Feeling indignation, Sakura turned to give the assailant a piece of her mind. She sobered when she saw that it was a young boy wearing raggedy, hole-filled clothing.

"Poor boy, I guess you were just trying to snatch the wallet I keep in my purse," Sakura murmured, filled with pity for the boy. The boy blinked.

"Um….yeah, sure. I'm sooooo hungry, ahhh." The last part sounded very unconvincing, but Sakura was sure that the poor boy just couldn't properly show his hunger pangs. Tazuna shook his head as Sakura gave the boy the last of her money.

"Sweet, I can buy some toy cars with these greenbacks!" The tyke ran off, no doubt to find some great adventure. Sakura wiped a tear from her green eyes. Tazuna grabbed the girl's shoulders, and dragged her into the supermarket, which had no roof or walls, which meant that most of the food was spoiled because of all the mist and humidity in the area.

After Sakura and Tazuna arrived back at the dilapidated house, Tsunami began working on her secret soup recipe. Sakura sat down at the table, her mouth watering. Unfortunately, the warm feelings in her heart slowly began to dissolve when she noticed Inari staring at her from behind one of the kitchen chairs.

"I'm not going to eat today," Inari began creepily. "Food can lead to heart attacks and clogged arteries. Those are things that can kill you, by the way."

Sakura forced a smile on her face. "Sorry, little boy, but you can't rattle me so easy." Inari widened his eyes comically.

"But aren't you worried that Sasuke will die?" Sakura gasped and stood up, her chair falling on the floor.

"Why would you say that, you miserable brat?" Inari sobbed, squeezing his hat in his tiny hands.

"People die when they climb trees, because they fall and break their necks!" With one last cry, Inari ran up the stairs, slamming the door to his room. Tsunami cracked her knuckles before following the distraught boy upstairs. Briefly, cries of pain could be heard.

"Why does Inari seem so…pessimistic all the time?" Sakura didn't feel bad for him, but she was curious why such a young boy would even discuss that. Tazuna sighed, grabbing a cup of alcoholic liquid from one of the cabinets.

"It's a sad story, little missy. But to make it brief, Inari's dad was the town hero. Unfortunately, he was beat up and murdered – by Gato!" Sakura gasped, dropping a plate on the ground. Ignoring the sound of shattering glass, Sakura recalled how she had been told that Gato hired the assassins to murder Tazuna!

"Ever since then," Tazuna continued, also ignoring the broken silverware, "Inari thinks that anyone who does anything will die, especially people who try to be heroic. I guess you ninja would count in Inari's book."

"That reminds me, I wonder what the guys are up to." Sakura swallowed the last drop of soup, causing Tazuna to laugh.

"Not that it matters; there aren't any leftovers to feed them when they do return!" With a hiccup, Tazuna got up from the table to go get some moldy bread.

* * *

Back in the forest, Naruto had decided that it would be best to conserve his energy by taking a teensy-weensy nap. Lying down on the ground in the middle of a forest with no protection from muggers maybe wasn't a smart idea, but as a ninja, Naruto felt that he could protect himself well enough.

He started when he felt a cool hand brush across his cheek. Desperately hoping that it was Sakura, Naruto opened his eyes and sat up, pursing his lips as he prepared for a kiss.

"Oh my," a feminine voice said in light surprise. Naruto wanted to slap himself; it wasn't Sakura at all, although if he had to be honest, this lady was much, much prettier. Long, raven-colored hair framed a delicate, pure-white face. Ruby-lips and chocolate eyes made Naruto want to drink it all in. The pink dress was a bit much, but Naruto supposed that he could live with it.

"Are you OK, little boy? Do you need your mommy?" The stranger looked concerned, which touched Naruto's heart. Sakura would have just yelled at him for sleeping out in the open.

"Naw, I don't need no mommy! I'm a hardcore ninja, one who will become hokage!" The pretty lady covered her mouth in surprise, and Naruto was pleased to see that she had long (but not too long) nails.

"My, what an ambitious child. I like that in a man!" She leaned in close to Naruto, absently moving some of her hair out of her eyes.

"Maybe I should relieve you of your stress," she whispered gently into Naruto's ear. Naruto moaned – until he remembered Sakura!

_No, I can't! Sakura may be meaner and shorter and not as pretty, but dangit, I can't betray her like this, even if we're not actually a couple!_

"NO!" Naruto roared, dashing away to find Sasuke and continue his training. The lady scowled, before muttering to herself, "Haku, you were so close." With that, the feminine man walked away, humming and picking flowers to put in his hair.

* * *

Sakura was helping wash the dishes when Sasuke kicked the door open, holding a barely conscious Naruto. His body heaved with silent sobs.

"Naruto, you loser! Now what happened?" Sakura flicked a wet towel at Naruto's face, getting it even wetter.

"I took a short nap," Naruto ground out tearfully, "and when I got back to the trees, Sasuke had already finished. I tried and tried, and I still couldn't do it, and now I've used up all my chakra, and I can't even walk on my own!"

"Holy run-on sentence!" Sasuke looked around as everyone gaped at him for actually speaking. Shrugging, he dropped Naruto on the table. Inari chose that moment to walk in.

"See? All your stupid training did was cause you to suffer. Next time, you might DIE!" Naruto shakily stood up, and slapped Inari, who began bawling like a baby. In retaliation, Tsunami socked Naruto on the jaw, knocking him unconscious.

"Well, he needed the rest anyway," Kakashi joked, and everyone in the room began to laugh as if it was the ending of a sitcom episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW, Inari is one of my least favorite characters in the whole series. What a brat.
> 
> I was always amused by the tree training. IMO, it was the author's way of throwing a (small) bone at Sakura.


	8. Nice Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto sleeps in as Kakashi and Sasuke face off against Zabuza and Haku. Oh yeah, Sakura helps a bit too, I suppose.

The next morning, Kakashi shook Sakura and Sasuke awake. As they both rubbed their eyes, Kakashi explained what was up.

"Today we are going to escort Tazuna to his workplace. Of course, the assassins will probably try to stop us. So be ready to kill, or be killed."

"Wait," Sakura began before pausing to yawn. "Shouldn't we bring Naruto?"

"I know that this is our most important and dangerous mission yet, and that Naruto was the one most excited for this, but I think I'll leave him to sleep in bed while we do this ourselves."

Sasuke jumped on his bed giddily. "I approve, Kakashi!" Sakura giggled, loving how happy Sasuke could get when it came to Naruto's suffering.

"Oh, and Sakura? Nice PJ's," was Sasuke's cruel comment. Looking down, Sakura realized that she was wearing her blue pajamas, the ones with the zebras on them!

After some shrieking, Sakura joined her two partners as they headed downstairs for a breakfast of non-nutritional bread. It was tad bit on the moldy side.

"Delicious, just like what I eat at home," Sasuke commented. Sakura blushed, knowing that even her cooking could satisfy Sasuke's stomach.

"Tazuna," Kakashi said sharply, "I think it'd be best not to drink that, considering we're about to go on a mission, and the sun had barely even risen yet." Tazuna looked offended, pretending to put the bottle of sake back on the counter – before quickly guzzling half of it down.

The three ninja had to literally pry the man away from his godly bottle, and drag him miles down the road towards the bridge construction site. A light fog had rolled in, but no one noticed, as they were too engrossed in their task of protecting Tazuna from any harm.

"Well guys, the site is just ahead. Once we reach it, I won't need your services anymore." Tazuna briskly walked past the "DANGER! CONTRUCTION IN PROGRESS!" sign, and let out a yell. Exchanging annoyed glances, the three ninja dashed ahead.

Sakura screamed. The bridge was littered with bodies, presumably other members of the construction site. Some of them still had hammers in their fists.

"You know," Kakashi began in a droll voice, "maybe we should have been watching over the entire crew. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess…"

"But now who will help me finish the bridge? I can't work alone!" Tazuna childishly stomped on the ground, which drowned out the sound of someone scoffing.

"Oh, you have bigger things to worry about." Zabuza stepped out from the mist, with Haku stepping out beside him, with a new mask to boot! Kakashi and Sasuke got into fighting position, and Sakura jumped in front of Tazuna, holding a kunai knife threateningly. Her display didn't fool anyone.

"Well, I didn't see this coming," Kakashi deadpanned. He knew that in a fair fight (which meant using his Sharingan to copy his opponent's powers) he could probably take on Zabuza – but Haku as well? _Well_ , _maybe if Sakura weren't so weak, and Sasuke so undependable, this situation would be doable._

* * *

Back at the house, Naruto woke up after an unnecessarily loud crow cawed in his ear. Yawning and stretching his arms, Naruto trudged down the stairs towards the fridge, still half-asleep. As was usual back in his apartment, Naruto grabbed the no-doubt expired milk carton, and began to chug it down.

Moments later, Naruto finally opened his eyes as he choked on the sour drink in his mouth. Naruto turned the carton to see the label, and sputtered – it was prune juice! This wasn't his house!

Then it all came back – the mission, that brat Inari, the tree climbing, etc. Naruto dashed up the stairs to Kakashi's room, but it was empty, except for a note laid on the bed. Naruto tore the envelope and skipped to the final paragraph of the wordy letter.

We have gone on ahead, Naruto. We'll get all the credit, and all the money. Don't let the bed-bug ninja bite!

Naruto crumpled up the note in his fist! An almost demonic growl tore itself from his throat as he tore down the stairs, bumping into Inari, who was sobbing on the wooden floor. His tears had somehow formed a small rivulet that managed to clean all the dust off the ground.

"What is wrong with you?" Naruto grabbed the kid by the collar of his shirt and gave him a good shaking. Inari's teeth chattered uncontrollably.

"My mom! They're taking my mom!" Inari's fragmented words only gave Naruto more questions, but whatever. It would be a simple matter to get some answers. Dropping the cowardly kid on the hard floor, Naruto ran to the main room, where he saw two thugs grappling with Tsunami.

"C'mon, lady! Come with us to karaoke," the first non-descript loser said. His partner nodded.

"Yeah, it'll be a blast!" Tsunami looked intrigued, and began to walk out the door with them. Naruto jumped in front, blocking the exit.

"I know what's going on! You two want to kidnap and murder her, or use her as bait for Tazuna! Well, that won't work with me around!"

A flash of annoyance passed on Tsunami's face before changing into a look of fear.

"Kyaaa! N-naruto, you're right! These two men are planning to hold me hostage!" The two men looked at her in shock, surprise coloring their faces. Naruto knew that they must have been trained to lie! They were ninja, after all.

Naruto put his hands together, shouting, "Shadow Clone Jutsu!" About a dozen clones appeared, and began to brawl with the two defenseless men. When the dust settled (and the pleading for mercy stopped) the two men were twitching on the ground, moans of pain floating off into the air.

"I saved you!" Naruto grinned and gave the widow a thumbs up. Tsunami let out a very unenthusiastic, "Yeah, great…"

"Anyway, I'm off to go help my friends!" With a hop and a skip, Naruto was gone from Tsunami's sight. As soon as the pesky ninja was out of earshot, Tsunami began wailing about lost opportunities and hot men. Inari watched her and began to cry.

"Dad hasn't even been dead all that long, and mom is already trying to be a cougar? NOOO! Cougars always die and stuff!" Inari cried so hard that all the neighbors for ten miles came to see what was up. For all they knew, Tsunami was being a violent drunk again…

* * *

Back on the bridge, which is the plot everyone cares about anyway, Kakashi and Zabuza were trading blows and barbs. As Zabuza swung his oversized sword, Kakashi rolled under the slash and dove for his opponent's legs. Zabuza was smart enough to jump away from the attack.

"My student could beat up your student," Kakashi said, channeling his inner schoolboy. Zabuza scoffed.

"Haku has a Kekkei Genkai, which is like a fancy word for someone with mutant powers. The boy is EVEN STRONGER THAN I AM!" Kakashi gasped in surprise.

Quickly composing himself, the copy ninja coolly countered, "Sasuke is a member of the esteemed Uchiha clan, and will one day master the Sharingan. Hey, today may be that day!"

"Don't get your hopes up," Sasuke muttered as he tried not to stare at Haku's gaudy mask. Kakashi sighed as he side-stepped another sword-swipe from Zabuza.

"I say it's time for a little change of scenery," Haku cheekily announced as he moved his hands together quickly, casting a jutsu. Sasuke tensed, ready to dodge whatever came his way, but he was unprepared for what came next.

All the heavy mist surrounding the area began to solidify, turning into pure ice. The ice gathered around Sasuke and Haku, surrounding them and forming some kind of ice prison.

"This will be our arena. Yes, it's flashy, but that's partially the point. You must feel pretty disoriented." It was true; not only had the temperature dropped to dangerous levels, making his moves sluggish, but the mirrors reflected sunlight that got into his eyes. If only he had thought to bring sunglasses!

"Sasuke! Now is the time to awaken your Sharingan!" Kakashi couldn't even see Sasuke anymore through the ice prison, but he figured that his words could reach his student's ears.

Sasuke knew that his teacher was right; it was now or never. Sasuke closed his eyes tightly, willing himself to master the Sharingan by the time his eyes opened again. Haku laughed at the display.

Finally, Sasuke opened his eyes and roared. Haku gasped – before laughing again. Sasuke had merely stuffed red contacts into his eyes again.

"Stop laughing! I'm still young! Dangit!" Sasuke threw some shruiken at Haku, who easily dodged, before jumping into the ice.

"Wait, what?" Sasuke removed his contacts to make sure that they hadn't somehow messed with his vision, but nope. Haku was literally inside the ice, looking like the reflection in a mirror.

"As part of my icy power, I can also enter the ice I create at super speed. I can then exit the ice to attack my opponent, or merely throw weapons while waiting in the safety of my domain."

"Are you gonna kill me with exposition, or are we gonna fight?" Sasuke snarled. Haku shrugged, before jumping out of the mirror and slashing Sasuke's shoulder with acupuncture needles. Before Sasuke could even react, Haku had warped inside another sheet of ice.

"I told you, my speed is very impressive. Without Sharingan, you won't even be able to react to me." Sasuke tried to say something tough as a retort, but Haku cut him off by slicing his chest and back. The next few minutes followed a similar pattern; Haku would emerge from the ice, slash Sasuke in a non-lethal way, Sasuke would attempt to block a few seconds too late, and Haku would escape in the ice.

"This is getting repetitive," Sasuke whined as he got slapped in the face. He could hear Sakura cry out from the outside.

* * *

Sakura was shivering, and not just because the temperature had dropped enough that her sleeveless outfit suddenly seemed like a bad idea. No, she was also scared for her Sasuke. Luckily, she knew how to help.

"Sasuke, grab this!" Sakura threw her kunai knife at Sasuke through a small gap in the ice. Moments before Sasuke could reach it, Haku used his lightning-fast reflexes to snatch it in mid-air.

"Well. That sucks," Sakura said as Sasuke glared daggers at her.

"Next time you want to help, just don't," Sauke growled between clenched jaws. Sakura gasped, before falling to her knees on the ground. In despair, she began to punch the hard concrete until her fists began to hurt. How could Sasuke say such mean things to her? It wasn't right!

_I hate to say it, but we could really use some help. Maybe leaving Naruto behind was a stupid idea after all._

Kakashi was so lost in thought that Zabuza managed to kick him in the gut. Kakashi cried out pathetically for Naruto.

Even Sasuke, child prodigy, knew that they wouldn't win without the lowest ranked ninja in Konoha! Closing his eyes, Sasuke prepared to join his family in Uchiha Heaven.

Just then, a loud explosion caused everyone on the bridge to jump in place. Everyone (except poor Haku and Sasuke) looked towards the center of the bridge, where a small bomb had exploded and let out a bunch of dramatic green smoke. A drumroll had even started.

"Introducing everyone's favorite hyperactive ninja – Naruto Uzumaki!" Naruto emerged from the smoke, dancing and cheering like an idiot who forgot that he was supposed to be a stealthy ninja.

"Who wants autographs?" Naruto had even brought extra pairs of paper and pencils. Sakura facepalmed, and inside the ice prison, Sasuke scowled.

"Well…there goes the element of surprise," Kakashi grumbled, although Naruto's orange costume would have stuck out even in the dense fog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have to love Naruto's disregard for everything that makes a ninja sneaky.


	9. Ninja Ballet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Haku attempts to turn Sasuke into a human pincushion, Sakura must woman-up and help Kakashi face Zabuza.

"Man, you guys are so useless without me!" Naruto yelled, his obnoxious voice ringing over the previously quiet and somber battlefield. The young ninja had to jump over all the corpses of Tazuna's co-workers to get to Kakashi.

"OK, what's the sitch?" Kakashi wanted to slap Naruto for using such outdated slang, but instead wordlessly pointed towards Haku's ice prison. Naruto gave Kakashi a salute, and dashed towards Sasuke. Zabuza didn't even bother trying to stop him; after all, what could a loud ninja like him accomplish?

"Naruto, I'm actually glad you're here. If you attack the outside of the ice while I attack simultaneously from the inside, we might be able to break the prison," Sasuke said before looking behind him to see Naruto using his hands to mime a moving mouth.

For a few seconds, the two rivals stared at each other, and not in a passionate sense. Finally, Sasuke grabbed Naruto's neck, trying to wring it.

"YOU IDIOT WE COULD HAVE BROKEN THE PRISON BUT NOW WE'RE BOTH STUCK INSIDE THIS STUPID THING I HATE YOU YOU IDIOT AHHH!" Haku used the opportunity to embed some more needles inside Sasuke's back.

"Gee, Sasuke, you shouldn't let your guard down like that!" Sasuke proceeded to strangle Naruto some more before getting stabbed in the calf. Sasuke winced and fell down, letting go of a gasping Naruto.

"I'll stop Haku!" Naruto ran towards Haku, who easily evaded the loud ninja. As Naruto continued to follow Haku around the ice, he couldn't shake the feeling that he had seen someone with Haku's light build and thin frame. The black hair seemed familiar too.

"Even if you're fast, you can't be everywhere at the same time!" Naruto created two dozen clones, and they all made faces at Haku. Angered, Haku used his super speed to cut every single one down in the blink of an eye.

"Sasuke, you should have grabbed Haku when he was murdering my clones!" Sasuke scoffed.

"As if I could ever work with you! Feh!" The two began having a slapping contest, before Haku interrupted by throwing acupuncture needles between them.

"Hey! I just got a swell idea! I know how to melt the ice!" Sasuke inhaled deeply, before firing a freaking fireball from his mouth. Naruto was grudgingly impressed – until the large ball of fire disappeared without doing any damage to the ice.

"If only I had my Sharingan," Sasuke mumbled. Naruto was getting sick of hearing about that elusive power. He was also sick of Sasuke always popping those contacts in his eyes.

"It looks like it's up to me to save the day!" Naruto ran towards Haku, preparing to strike a blow so powerful, that he would literally break the ice, sending Haku flying in a million pieces!

When his fist struck the cool ice, Naruto fell on his back, howling in pain. His hand felt broken, or at least fractured, and waving it around wasn't helping.

"Loser," Sasuke muttered, although he had so many scratches on his body that he hardly looked like a winner himself.

* * *

Kakashi's body heaved with his heavy breathing as he attempted to use his Sharingan to read Zabuza's moves. Unfortunately, the mist was so thick that you could cut it with a kunai knife, and it was also as thick as pea soup.

Zabuza, who had been swinging his sword wildly, had jumped back in the mist and vanished. Since then, Kakashi had been twirling in a complete 360 to make sure that he had no blind spots. Those ninja ballet classes had sure come in handy.

_If I were Zabuza, I'd probably strike at the most vulnerable spot. The only problem is, I don't know what that spot is. My spinning should leave no openings. Of course, the most vulnerable spot doesn't necessarily need to be part of my body._

Kakashi was able to think better when he was spinning on his tippy-toes. The blood somehow got to his brain faster. He heard the distant sound of Sakura giggling as she explained to Tazuna why Sasuke was so cool, and why she thought that Naruto was icky.

Kakashi's eyes widened. He knew that the word vulnerable couldn't even come up without Sakura being somehow involved. Knowing that he only had moments to act, Kakashi pirouetted over to Sakura and Tazuna, and did a large swan leap just as Zabuza's sword swung down. Sakura screamed as blood filled the air.

"Why did you scream? The sword didn't slice your flesh," Tazuna pointed out, as the sharp weapon had dug itself into Kakashi's arm. Sakura's face turned blue.

"But it looks so painful! My gosh, this isn't what I sighed up for!" Sakura grabbed Tazuna's hand, and they dashed off into the mist, where they promptly got lost.

"Tch, you came to their rescue just in time. By the way, you have some sweet moves." Zabuza's taunts flew right over Kakashi's head.

"Thanks. I knew I had to learn how to dance because _Make-Out Paradise_ mentioned that women like guys who can strut their stuff." Zabuza was surprised enough that Kakashi managed to get a few good punches in.

"Ow. You know what? No more Mr. Nice Guy!" Zabuza quickly unwrapped some of the bandages covering his mouth and placed them over Kakashi's eyes.

"Who turned out the lights?" Kakashi asked as he slowly walked towards Zabuza, flailing his arms to make sure he didn't bang against the bridge's railing. Zabuza laughed lightly as he kept zigzagging away from Kakashi, knowing that the copy-ninja had copied his last attack – ever!

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke had been stuck by so many acupuncture needles that they were starting to resemble ninja porcupine. The good thing was, the needles also made them feel very calm and relaxed, and the chink in Naruto's back that he had endured for years was finally gone.

"Hey, Haku. Maybe you should become a doctor or therapist one day, after you're done being a mercenary for Zabuza," Naruto said in a sing-song voice. He truly felt like a gust of wind could carry him away towards the clouds.

"Hmm, that idea isn't too shabby. I hear the pay is great, too," Haku replied, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Naruto couldn't help but stare at the assassin's blue fingernails. They reminded him of someone, but he couldn't place it. Ah well, he was too high in the sky to think properly anyway.

"You suck," Sasuke called to Haku for no reason other than to be a jerk.

"OK, yeah, you get to die first." Haku threw a few dozen needles at Sasuke, who mouthed a certain curse word before he got stabbed in the neck, chest, and lower abdominal region. Face paling, Sasuke collapsed in Naruto's waiting arms.

"Sasuke. You took those needles for me, didn't you?" Naruto knew that he should be crying or something, but his calm façade just wouldn't drop.

"Y-yeah, sure. A hero is what I am," Sasuke shakily answered, his words coming out soft due to the fact that his lungs had been punctured.

"You really do care. I guess the nickname SasuGAY isn't that bad after all." Sasuke grabbed Naruto's hand and squeezed as hard as he could, which wasn't very hard at all at the moment.

"I hate you so much. Tell Sakura that for me, OK?" With that, Sasuke's grip on Naruto vanished as his cold hand hit the ground. Sasuke's eyes glazed over like a donut, and his breathing stopped. Naruto felt his buzz disappearing, and felt literally hot rage replace it.

He had always wanted to show Sasuke up, and he had also dreamed of a day when he'd be hokage, and could boss that stuck up Uchiha around. Now, he would never have that simple satisfaction. It just wasn't fair! It wasn't right!

* * *

Haku grew nervous as when he noticed that his ice prison was starting to melt. Was all that heat really coming from the young ninja? He supposed the orange glow around the boy was a good enough indicator.

Haku knew that he would have to end this now, before the boy found out who he really was! Placing some more needles between his fingers, Haku jumped out of the ice and dove towards Naruto. Inches away from stabbing a vital spot, Naruto whipped around to face Haku, who gasped.

Naruto's face was contorted in the kind of rage you never want to see in a twelve-year old. That, or it was constipation. Seeing as how the boy now sported red eyes, it could have been either of those. Haku attempted to escape, but Naruto grabbed his wrist hard enough to break it.

"Please, be gentle," Haku whispered daintily before getting thrown against the ice. Haku used the opportunity to slip inside the ice, where he knew he'd be safe.

Naruto roared an unearthly, but still high-pitched, roar that cracked the ice. As Haku recoiled, Naruto dashed with super speed towards the mirror, and broke it with one punch. Haku was sent flying, skidding on the wet ground before halting to a stop.

Not content, Naruto slammed his fist against Haku's masked face over and over, until Haku's mask broke in half. Haku watched through lidded eyes as Naruto's eyebrows rose in confusion and recognition.

"You're that lady I met in the forest the other day, only you're a dude!" Naruto's mouth fell open as he thought about it.

"But I almost kissed you – and worse! Ahhhhhh!" Far behind the wailing Naruto, Haku heard Sasuke mutter, "I should have known that Naruto gave me that nickname to hide his own closeted secret…".

"You wouldn't hit a girly man like me, would you?" Haku pouted his pretty lips in a very moe fashion, and posed his body in a dramatic stance. Naruto punched Haku in the face once more, proving that girly men are easier to punch then men with glasses.

"Well, now that you have bested me in combat, I think it's time I tell you my sob story. NO, that came out wrong; I meant to say my back-story and origin. How does that sound?" Naruto clicked his tongue.

"Well, Kakashi and Sakura probably need my help, and I should maybe give Sasuke medical attention, but why the heck not? Speak, girly man," Naruto stated, his last words done in an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

Tears in his eyes, Haku began his tale despite the loud, "For crepe's sake!" from Sasuke, who would be forced to hear the tale on account of him not being able to move a muscle.


	10. That's Cold!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get Haku's tragic backstory (the first of many in this series; villains always have some). Naruto isn't too sympathetic.

As a young and rather androgynous boy, Haku enjoyed a tumulus childhood. His father hated the fact that his only son was so feminine. He considered Haku to be a freak of nature.

"Dear, don't be so close-minded," Haku's mother chided one night at the dinner table. Back then, candles hadn't even been invented yet, so everyone was forced to eat in a pitch black setting. It didn't really help to lighten the mood any.

"I am not being close-minded. I just wish I had a son who looked like a strapping young man that rich women would want to marry. At this rate, some bachelor will accidently get hitched to Haku."

Haku's mother sighed putting down her spoon of cold soup. "Dear, is that really such a bad thing?" Haku's father spit out the soup he had been gulping, seemingly out of shock.

"IT IS A BAD THING!" The man ran out of the hut, slamming the door behind him, which only caused a bunch of ice to land on his head. The man's cursing made Haku and his mother giggle in a very girly way.

"Now Haku, don't let your father catch you daintily giggling like that. He's liable to tan your hide." Haku frowned, looking down at where he guessed his bowl was. It wasn't fair.

"Ma, why do I have to hide what I am?" Haku's mother placed the young boy on her lap, humming a tune to get the boy to calm down before answering. After a pause, the mother inhaled.

"Your father used to be an arsonist. I married him because I like a bit of danger. But this means that he is liable to murder anyone he doesn't like or who he deems a freak. Unfortunately, that means you, due to your female figure."

"And just imagine what kind of stuff would hit the fan if he were to find out about your ice powers?"

For a few months, Haku and his mother had been secretly training Haku to become the Ice Warrior, a mysterious person born every hundred years who could fight crime and save the world with ice powers. At the time, Haku didn't know that his ice power was considered a Kekkei Genkai; all he knew was that he could beat up criminals and freeze them in their tracks.

One misty morning, Haku was using his power to create ice sculptures in his front yard. He knew that his father wouldn't return home until sundown, so he wasn't being careful at all. Unfortunately, his father returned home early to eat a BBQ sandwich, and when he saw what Haku was doing, he pitched a fit.

"My son is a mutant! AHHH!" The man grabbed a pitch fork that was lying on the ground and ran towards Haku, who recoiled away and instinctively raised his hands in front of his face. Just in time, Haku's mother grabbed her husband and dragged him inside the hut, where Haku could hear loud words erupt.

"I have powers too, remember?" Haku's mother screamed. Haku heard his father groan, and then heard some shoving motions. Before long, Haku could smell smoke, and his mother's words about arson rang in his ears.

Haku knew that this was his chance to get in good graces with his father. All he would have to do was use his ice powers to extinguish the fire! That way, his dad would be grateful because he hadn't burned up.

Haku closed his eyes, and blocked everything around him, like he had been taught. Then, with a heroic cry, he faced the palms of his hands at the burning house, and let loose a bunch of white ice. Opening his eyes, Haku covered his mouth with his hand and giggled. He made sure to let his pinky stick out.

"Mother! Father! I saved you! Isn't that swell?" Haku dashed in the house, and gasped. His parents were both frozen solid, with looks of terror etched on their faces.

"Well, poop." Haku tried to break the two out of the ice by hitting it with the pitchfork, but only accomplished in breaking the ice along with the parents, who were now scattered in a dozen pieces. Haku sobbed, before realizing that he would have to hide the evidence. Thinking fast, Haku grabbed his father's lighter, and set the house ablaze once more.

* * *

As Haku traveled the countryside, he was forced to join a circus. He had hoped that his unusual power would make him the main attraction, but the ringmaster merely used him to keep the beer cool for the audience.

After the ringmaster suggested that Haku dress up like a female clown, Haku quit the circus. He tried to get a job, but the market was full, and no one wanted to hire a kid with no life experience and dodgy abilities.

Haku was at the end of his rope when he received a telepathic summon to join a school for gifted individuals. Haku, who had been in a bad mood, went to the school and froze everyone inside it.

As he was leaving the site of his icy destruction, Haku passed by a therapeutic clinic. Knowing that clinics loved to hire beautiful women, Haku dashed inside, claimed that he was a lady of 18, and learned the art of acupuncture. It took a few months of practice, but a few lethal accidents later, and Haku was a pro. He could even locate someone's pressure points from a mile away.

One day, while Haku was performing an acupuncture surgery on some dude on a bridge, it began snowing. Haku always considered snow to be a good omen, so he stopped mid-surgery and began walking aimlessly, hoping that something magical would happen.

Lost in his thoughts, he bumped into a large man with an even larger sword.

"Watch where you're going, brat!" The snarling voice was frightening, but oh so commanding. Haku knew that this was someone he could work for.

"Sir, do you require the use of a weapon?" The man raised an eyebrow, before steadily replying, "I think a few extra weapons can always be of use." Haku grinned, his first real grin since his mother died.

* * *

"The man was, of course, Zabuza. Together, we have killed many people for money. I couldn't be any prouder to be of use to him. And that leads us here." Haku finished his story, and almost collapsed when he looked up to see Naruto sleeping on the cold ground.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Haku stomped on the ground hard enough to wake the sleeping ninja up.

"Rubbing his eyes, Naruto muttered, "Sorry, man, but your story was like something out of X-Men." Haku rolled his eyes.

"You have no idea…" Naruto ignored Haku's cryptic words, and grabbed a kunai knife. Its sharp edges gleamed in the sunlight.

"Well….I guess I should kill you now," Naruto said with remorse in his voice. Haku nodded, and closed his eyes. He at least hoped that his death would be beautiful.

* * *

Kakashi was getting sick of the fight. Zabuza would hide in the mist, and then slash at Kakashi just when the copy ninja was letting his guard down.

"I have had ENOUGH!" Kakashi bit his finger, winced, and then made a complex sign on the ground with said blood. It took ten minutes, but Zabuza was so into it that he forgot to attack Kakashi.

"Summoning Jutsu!" Kakashi placed his hand in the center of the blood sign, and an explosion caused smoke to spread across the already foggy bridge. When the smoke cleared, a bunch of ninja dogs could be seen wagging their tails and sniffing each other's butts.

"Go fetch," Kakashi ordered menacingly, pointing towards the mist vaguely. The dogs all yawned and barked before scattering like the wind. Cries of, "Nice dog!" and "Don't bite me there! Not there!" filled the air.

The artificial mist cleared as Zabuza lost his concentration. Kakashi couldn't blame the assassin, though; about a dozen dogs were biting Zabuza over almost every inch of his well-toned body. Kakashi only hoped that Zabuza didn't bleed to death before he received his true comeuppance.

"Zabuza, I hate the way you just sell out to any old fart that has money, and I hate how you would murder a man like Tazuna who only wants to build some stupid bridge. Prepare to die!" Kakashi raised a hand, which began to glow and spark, as if it was some electrical wire.

"No way! That's the Lightning Blade technique, which is said to be Kakashi's strongest attack, where he concentrates all of his chakra into one hand, and the ensuing attack can break a boulder!" Zabuza just couldn't help but yell out exposition when his life was in danger. To him, it beat having his life flash before his eyes.

"At least you did your homework," Kakashi reluctantly said, before running towards Zabuza, who screamed out, "Help!"

* * *

As Naruto dashed towards Haku, he almost paused when Haku suddenly opened his eyes. Before Naruto could plunge his knife into Haku's icy heart, he felt himself getting backhanded to the ground.

"Sorry, but I must go!" Haku vanished in a puff of smoke, and appeared a few paces away – directly in front of Zabuza.

"Master, what seems to be the OH GOSH!" Kakashi's electrified hand impaled Haku through the chest. Naruto felt jealous that Kakashi got to deliver the final blow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, but seriously, I think Kishimoto read some X-Men before writing Haku's backstory.


	11. Manly Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We reach the emotional climax of this arc. Tears (and bodies) will fall.

Everyone stared in shock (as in, with their mouths open) as Kakashi's hand slammed straight through Haku's chest. Haku opened his mouth, but no sound came out except for what sounded like the most beautiful bird chirping ever.

"He died as he lived," Zabuza sniffed. "Beautiful." The last word made for a good eulogy, so Kakashi pulled his arm out of Haku's stomach, and placed the quickly-freezing corpse on the ground. The snow began to gently descend from the sky, giving everyone a case of the shivers.

Naruto felt fresh tears coat his eyes. He had nearly killed Haku, like a real ninja, but then Kakashi stole his prey. It wasn't fair; it just wasn't fair at all!

"I'm proud that Haku sacrificed himself to save me. But dang, now I need a new weapon!" Zabuza grabbed his now chipped sword, and ran at Kakashi, who was busy trying to wipe all traces of blood from Haku's face.

"Still up to your cheap tricks, I see." Kakashi calmly punched Zabuza in the face without even turning away from Haku or standing up. Growling, Zabuza lunged at Kakashi, who slapped the assassin in the face. Whimpering, Zabuza crawled towards the edge of the unfinished bridge.

"Dang," Naruto whispered. He had never been more in awe of Kakashi. The dude had some serious skill, Naruto had to admit. He needed to make a mental note to never get Kakashi angry.

Unfortunately, the moment was wrecked when a voice that sounded like a chipmunk after inhaling helium cried, "Well, well, what have we here?" The words had been spoken by a small man wearing a business suit and sunglasses. He was flanked by about a hundred gangsters.

"Gato, wait! I still have time to kill Tazuna!" Zabuza's panicked eyes hit Naruto in the heart.

"Pfft. Your ace in the hole is already dead, and you're barely able to stand. Your job here is done, so I'm here to finish up what you couldn't. Also, I'm gonna have to murder you too!" Gato grinned in an evil way, not realizing that his voice made him sound like a small kid trying to be tough.

"I won't let you diss Zabuza and Haku!" Naruto angrily pointed at Gato, his whole body shaking with rage.

"Sure, they're murderers with no conscience or dignity, and they'll work for just about anyone, but dangit, I thought they were kinda cool!" Kakashi stared at his student in disappointment.

"You, erm, have a strange taste in the people you choose to admire," Gato said with an air of superiority. After shifting his glasses up his nose, the rich sicko started poking Haku's corpse with his walking stick.

"NOOOOOO!" Naruto tried lunging at Gato, but the heartless Kakashi grabbed the boy by the back of his orange costume and held him steady.

Piercing Naruto with a sharp glare, Kakashi reprimanded, "Naruto, a ninja must never lose his cool. I must say, I'm very disappointed!" Naruto scowled at his teacher.

"But sensei, Gato is defiling Haku! Shouldn't we stop him? Even if we aren't actually superheroes, it only seems like the decent thing to do."

The only response was a merciless, "Hold steady!" Naruto knew at least one person who he wouldn't invite to his next birthday party!

Naruto turned his head so that he was facing Zabuza, who was crying manly tears of defeat. "Then you do something! Wasn't Haku your student or friend? Maybe something more, even?"

Zabuza sighed, and began to unwrap the bandages that covered the lower area of his face. Naruto and Kakashi both gulped, wondering if they were mentally prepared for whatever their former enemy had been hiding. What if he had a major case of under bite? What if he had buck teeth? What if his jaw was missing, like in a horror film?

The wrapping floated silently to the ground, and was soon covered up by the falling snow. No one cared, because all eyes were on Zabuza. Underneath the mummy wrappings, he looked….rather handsome, actually. He could almost be called Bishonen.

Just before someone could ask why Zabuza had covered up his own handsome face, the assassin in question opened his mouth, demanding that Naruto hand over his weapon. Everyone gasped; Zabuza's teeth were razor sharp, like a shark. Somehow, it only made him more handsome, in a deadly way.

"Kid, stop gawking. I said to give me your kunai knife." Naruto had been taught since he was a young tyke to never, _ever_ give his weapon to an enemy ninja. Unfortunately for those people, Naruto had never been one to listen to authority, so he happily tossed Zabua his final kunai.

The second Zabuza caught the knife, his whole demeanor changed. The man crouched down, before bursting into a sprint towards Gato. Zabuza carried the kunai in between his teeth, leaving his hands free to wield his blade. A blood-red aura seemed to cover his body.

"EeeeekkkkK!," Gato shrieked in his high-pitched voice. His hundreds of men flanked him, but Zabuza crashed into them and began to hack and slash until only a couple of dozen remained. The bridge had turned into a bloody battle site and graveyard.

"Do you think we should help Zabuza out?" Naruto wanted in on the action, but Zabuza was fighting in such a demonic way that he was liable to attack anyone without prejudice.

"He doesn't seem to need much help," Kakashi remarked as they watched Zabuza lop off three heads at once with his long blade. Naruto had the feeling that Zabuza would have been a good chef; he could practically see the man cutting vegetables with skill.

Finally, a bloody and beaten Zabuza limped up to a shivering Gato, who was trying to speak through chattering teeth. It wasn't working out well for him.

"Well, I guess I must look pretty ugly right now," Zabuza lightly commented, realizing that quite a few swords and rakes had been stabbed into his back.

Gato let out a squeak, trying to back away from his tormentor – and almost fell off the bridge. One didn't need to even glance downwards to know that the angry sea would gobble anyone who foolishly dared to swim in it.

"You're heading to Hell. But that's a good thing; the devil needs a new court jester." With that, Zabuza tossed his sword in the air, caught the handle with his teeth, and slashed at Gato's neck. The head, which still featured an O-shaped mouth, dropped into the murky waters with a small splash.

It was a testament to Zabuza's ferociousness that the majority of the remaining minions all backed up when Zabuza turned around after finishing his kill, despite all the damage done to his body. The assassin wordlessly let his sword drop from his mouth, and trudged over to Haku's body. He let out a sigh before falling to the ground next to his partner.

Naruto was crying manly tears when he sobbed, "How sweet, even if Haku isn't a woman like I thought! Oh wait, I think Zabuza is dead." And he was, having avenged Haku, despite the fact that Gato hadn't actually murdered Haku, only poked his corpse a bit.

"Ha, with Gato dead, I guess we officially run this joint!" a suddenly cocky thug explained to his comrades. They all raised their collective weapons and cheered. Naruto growled.

"I'll take 'em all on! Are you with me, Kakashi!" Naruto looked towards his teacher, who had sat down on the cold ground in exhaustion.

"Nah. I've used up too much chakra in my fight with Zabuza. I'ma sit this one out." Naruto shook his fist as Kakashi, before putting his hands together to weave the handsigns that would allow him to create his Shadow Clones. He was interrupted by a kid's cry.

"What the heck is going on?" Naruto and Kakashi didn't want to believe their ears, but when they turned towards the place where the bridge met the land, they saw that whiny brat Inari, flanked by seemingly everyone from his village.

The "fearless" bandits took one look at the ensemble, and proceeded to toss themselves over the bridge. Every single one drowned; the bodies were never recovered.

"Being a crook is sad because they all die eventually," Inari somberly informed everyone within earshot. The villagers groaned.

"But I don't understand," dumb Naruto complained as he tilted his head sideways like a confused dog. One of the no-name villagers stepped toward, his flip-flops making funny noises on the wet ground.

"The whole village went to Inari's house, and when he told us about a bunch of ninja and assassin's playing dumb games on the bridge, we went to investigate." Inari nodded, giving the tale a form of authentic believability.

"You guys should be thankful. Without me, you would have died; of course, as heroes, you will all die eventually in the line of duty." Naruto couldn't take it anymore, and smacked Inari so hard that the kid was knocked unconscious. One villager began clapping slowly, before picking up the pace. Soon, all the villagers were wildly clapping and whistling for Naruto, even Inari's mother. The young ninja blushed, and Kakashi just knew that the attention would go to the boy's head.

"Hey, Kakashi? Whatever happened to Sakura and Tazuna?" Naruto, after getting down from the clouds, had remembered the small people in his life.

* * *

During Kakashi's rather….illuminating strike against Haku, Sakura had literally dragged Tazuna away so that she could locate her dearest Sasuke. He had been fighting Haku with Naruto, and yet Haku was currently being stabbed senseless by Kakashi.

Breathing hard from the short run, Sakura made a mental note to exercise when she got back home. She should also consider eating less chocolate snacks, but those were way too tasty to simply give up.

As soon as she reached the center of the bridge, she gasped. After that, she started screaming in a pitch so high that no human could hear it, although the ninja hounds began howling. Her precious Sasuke was on the floor, with acupuncture needles protruding from almost every part of his body. He looked like a pincushion!

Sakura draped herself over Sasuke body and began to sob. Tazuna awkwardly looked away, not sure what he could do.

Sakura grabbed Sasuke body and began to squeeze. She hoped that id she squeezed hard enough, all the needles would fly out, and Sasuke could live again! She squeezed so hard, that she even heard him squeak like a toy.

_Huh_?

Sakura quickly let go of Sasuke's body when the heartthrob began coughing, weakly muttering about how she had been hugging him too tight. Sakura squealed, and grabbed Sasuke again anyway. Then they both heard the sound of glass breaking.

"What was that?" Sasuke tried to sit up, but Sakura shoved him back down, because the poor dear needed to rest.

Sakura looked down, and raised her foot. Underneath her sandal were the shattered remains of a red contact. Sasuke followed her eyes and shot up like a rocket.

"Sakura, I needed those! Argh, how can I convince all the fools back in Konoha that I have learned to use the Sharingan now? I'M RUINED!" Giggling, Sakura linked her arm with Sasuke's, and began to skip back to where Naruto and Kakashi were. Tazuna was already forgotten.

"So you two were off canoodling, huh?" Kakash gave the two a sly wink when they returned, and Naruto tried shoving a finger down his throat.

"Well, our mission is done. I expect our payment to arrive in the mail soon," Kakashi informed a disappointed looking Tsunami. She simply sighed, before walking away dejectedly.

Naruto grabbed Inari, and shook the boy to wake him up. "Inari, once the bridge is finished, Tazuna will give it a name. Is that correct?" Inari nodded, his lower lip sticking out.

"Tell the old geezer that he has to name it the Naruto Bridge, or I will come back and destroy everything here once I am Hokage!" Inari's eyes widened in fright, and the boy ran off to tell Tazuna what he had been instructed to say.

"C'mon, let's go! I think I left the oven on in my apartment," Naruto told his partners, before he dashed off the bridge and towards Konoha.

As they walked home, Naruto let out a long sigh. "Man, after the intense battles, tree climbing, and near-death, I'm glad that we can go home and rest." Kakashi let out a snort before stopping to address his three pupils.

"Well, actually, once we return home you three will have to train before you're able to participate in the upcoming Chunin Exams, where you'll be forced to face more battles, climb more trees, and face more near death experiences." The three young ninja groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand this is it for the first arc. Next up: The Chunin Exams. Tons of new characters.


	12. Brats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto is bored after returning home from his first big mission, but the arrival of stranger danger puts an end to that.

Naruto was hanging over a waterfall by his leg, which was attached to a tree with a flimsy piece of rope. He had somehow found himself in that position while trying to chase down a cat who had escaped from its owner.

It was a long story.

Needless to say, when Naruto and his teammates Sakura and Sasuke returned the cat to a familiar, gaudy-looking lady, he wasn't pleased. Even the reward money couldn't cheer him up.

After surviving such an intense mission back in the Land of Waves, Naruto couldn't help but feel that his talents were being squandered on such measly missions as finding a cat. He had even been forced to help remove all the weeds from someone's garden! It was frustrating.

Naruto knew that he wasn't alone in this opinion; Sasuke had somehow become even darker and more emo after returning from the mission and being forced to do laundry for people. Every single day, Sasuke would complain that he wasn't getting any stronger, and that he had to get stronger to kill his brother.

After receiving their payment, the three ninja headed to the lookout where they were scheduled to meet Kakashi. Two hours later, the copy-ninja arrived, his face flushed.

"Where were you? You're always late!" Sakura fumed, her pink hair turning red briefly. Kakashi held up his gloved hands.

"I was rather occupied reading some, erm, reading material." Sakura scowled in disgust at the excuse, but decided not to press the matter.

Sasuke spit in the dirt before walking away. Seeing this, Sakura jumped in front of him and grabbed his shoulders.

"I'll come with you, wherever you're going." Sasuke shoved her aside and left their sight. Naruto slung his arm around the crestfallen girl.

"If it's any consolation, I'll walk home with you." Sakura gritted her teeth before slapping Naruto. The injured ninja screamed in fright and ran away towards the village, with Sakura hot in pursuit. Kakashi just sighed, realizing that the meeting was effectively over.

After believing that he had lost Sakura, Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. Now he could head to the Ichiraku Ramen to get some lunch. He had once again missed breakfast, and his stomach was threatening to kill him.

As Naruto's stomach growled, the youth noticed three trees following him. The trees had eyeholes, which was very suspicious. Annoyed, Naruto viciously stabbed the trees with his kunai. Three kids tumbled out of the torn cardboard trees, groaning in pain.

Naruto recognized Konohamaru, but not the kid's two partners in crime. One was a girl with orange hair, and two blush spots on her cheeks. The other was a glass-wearing boy who had a severe case of runny nose.

"Konohamaru, what are you doing? I could have killed you," Naruto scolded them, secretly thinking that said outcome wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world. Konohamaru shakily stood up, followed by the other two rugrats.

"Naruto, I want to become your apprentice. To show you how serious I am, let me transform into a nubile young woman!" Before Naruto could object, Konohamaru shouted, "Sexy Jutsu!" and seemingly exploded into a bunch of mist.

When the smoke cleared, a very naked brunette was standing where Konohamaru had been. Well, naked except for the tell-tale scarf she had wrapped around her neck. Konohamaru's two partners ogled him/her.

"I must admit, that's impressive," Naruto admitted, not caring that Konohamaru wasn't even ten yet. After Konohamaru transformed back, he introduced his two friends. The girl was Moegi (she curtsied) and the boy was Udon (he wiped his nose, to no avail).

"From now on, we wish to be your disciples," Konohamaru informed Naruto, before the three tykes all bowed reverently to the blonde ninja. Before Naruto could kindly tell them to shove off, Sakura dashed around the corner. Naruto knew he was screwed the moment she spotted him.

"Naruto, I can't believe that you would encourage little kids to use the Sexy Jutsu! On top of that, encouraging boys to change their gender is just plain weird!" Naruto backed up until he was flat against a wooden fence featuring posters for a ninja rock concert.

"L-look, I didn't actually encourage him. He practiced on his own after seeing me do it!" Sakura was deaf to Naruto's words, and socked him on the head. Konohamaru realized that he would need to defend his master.

"You have a flat chest and have a wide forehead," Konohamaru quietly told Sakura, hoping she wouldn't hear. However, to the boy's horror, Naruto stopped screaming a moment before the ill-fated words were uttered.

"Konohamaru, you are SO dead!" Konohamaru shrieked and ran down the street, trying to escape from the she-devil. The passerby all smiled and waved at Konohamaru, even though he was crying from fright. Sakura even pulled out a kunai, causing the small kid to fear for his life.

Konohamaru's scary dash was violently interrupted when he collided with a mysterious stranger garbed all in black. Konohamaru gulped as he realized that said person towered over him; his neck got a crink just trying to look up at the behemoth.

As he opened his mouth to deliver a hasty apology, the stranger grabbed him by his scarf and hauled him up eye to eye. Konohamaru gasped, partially because it had become incredibly hard to breathe, and because the stranger had ugly purple face-paint plastered over, under, and around his eyes, mouth, and nose.

"Looks like I caught myself a little runt," the weirdo muttered to himself psychotically. Konohamaru tried struggling, but it was useless. He knew he shouldn't have worn that scarf during the summer!

"Hey, let him go!" Konohamaru managed a small grin as his hero Naruto entered the scene is his usual unsubtle way. Sakura trailed behind him.

"Or not," she muttered. Konohamaru wanted to strangle her, and he would use his own scarf to do it!

As Naruto and the stranger engaged in an intense staring contest, a yellow-haired woman tugging around a large fan appeared and tapped her foot on the ground.

"Kankuro, why do you murder every single kid we come across?" Naruto was glad that she was speaking sense, before she continued. "Wouldn't it be just as easy to murder adults as well?"

Kankuro sighed through his nose. "Temari, I always tell you. I just really hate kids. They're stupid and loud and annoying and whiny and always get in trouble. They also have no respect for authority. I mean, this brat bumped into me at top speed. No respect!" Kankuro let go of Konohamaru's scarf, but the relief was short lived; his hand moved to Konohamaru's scrawny neck.

"I think I'm gonna kill him," Kankuro stated as if just coming to an important decision. Naruto growled and dashed at the child-hater. Kankuro grinned, and wriggled one of his fingers.

"What the-" Naruto felt a weird sensation travel down his leg, forcing it to buckle. The next thing he knew, he was on the ground.

Temari shrugged. "Fine Kankuro, go ahead, but I won't bail you out again if you get arrested." Kankuro stuck his tongue out at her before proceeding to squeeze Konohamaru's neck. The poor kid began drooling; swallowing was impossible.

"Please don't! Take Moegi and Udon instead; no one likes them!" Naruto wasn't the kind of guy who ever sold out fellow ninja, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Udon amd Moegi nodded, before the words sunk in. "HEY!"

Things seemed bleak, and even Naruto couldn't put an optimistic spin on it- until a pebble struck Kankuro's face. The large ninja shrugged it off – until a hail of pebbles began to rain on him. Crying out, he dropped Konohamaru, who ran into the open arms of Naruto.

"Hey, losers – are you lost?" Every hair on Naruto's head instinctively stood up on end after hearing that voice. It was – Sasuke! The apparently stealthy ninja was on top of a tree that overlooked the secluded area that Naruto and co. were in.

"Who the heck are you?" Kankuro rubbed his sore shoulder, and Temari blushed as she took in Sasuke. Naruto wanted to gag. Of freakin' course! Sasuke shows up, saves the day, and even gets some weird lady to check him out.

"I'm your worst nightmare," Sasuke replied in such a cool way that even Kankuro looked briefly entranced. Konohamaru even kicked Naruto in the kneecap.

"OWWWWW!" Naruto gave his disciple a questioning look. Konohamaru spit on the ground.

"Sasuke is so cool. Why can't you be like that?" Naruto knocked the ingrate into unconsciousness, and his two pals soon followed.

Sasuke ignored the whole scene as he tossed a single pebble up and down, his body language strongly suggesting that he would throw it at whoever caused trouble. Kankuro looked about ready to climb up the tree, before his face grew so pale that his face paint vanished.

"Yeah, I'm just that scary," Sasuke muttered to himself before glancing beside himself and spotting a third stranger literally standing upside down on a nearby branch.

"Gah!" The surprise wrecked Sasuke's mental concentration, and the show-off fell from the tree. He ended up a silly looking heap on the ground. Sakura screamed and ran over to the still body.

"Um. Hi Gaara. Fancy seeing you here, eh?" Gaara gave Kankuro a glance, and suddenly the smell of wet fabric permeated the air. Gaara raised two fingers, and his body dissolved into what looked like sand.

Moments later, his body reformed on the ground next to Naruto, who gave the boy a lookover. Gaara had dusty red hair, a Japanese kanji on his forehead, and he carried a huge gourd on his back.

But most strikingly were the thick black lines surrounding the stranger's eyes. Naruto gulped as the sand ninja leaned in close.

"I want to murder you," Gaara whispered into Naruto's ear. "I want to murder you so good." Naruto flinched and backed up, tripping over Sasuke's body.

"As for you two," Gaara turned to his apparent partners. "You're grounded for a week." Temari made a scrunched up face.

"But we're your older siblings Gaara. That isn't fair." Gaara let out a ruthless chuckle.

"Too bad, so sad." Gaara stomped off, followed by a mumbling Temari and a shaky Kankuro. The latter appeared to be carrying a mummy on his back.

_Gaara carries a jar, Temari carries a huge fan, and Kankuro carries a corpse?_ _What the heck?_ Naruto didn't know what to make of these losers, until Sakura spoke up.

"I suppose they were here for the Chunin Exams coming up. That means we'll have to fight them."

Naruto nodded. "That makes sense."

A few second later, it hit him.

"EHHHHHHHH?"


	13. Rivals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions run deep among the teachers and the students. Also, Sakura is the smart member.

The Hokage has called a meeting at his mansion. Anyone who was anyone attended, which meant that none of the kids were invited.

"I'm glad you could all make it," Hiruzen congratulated everyone. Afterwards, he planned to send angry letters to the fools who didn't arrive.

"Let's cut to the chase: this is about the Chunin Exams, right?" Kakashi got right to the point. Hiruzen knew that the copy ninja just wanted to finish his lewd reading material.

"Fine, fine," Hiruzen sighed. "I guess all the pastries will be served at the next meeting." Everyone shot Kakashi nasty glares.

"As Kakashi blabbed, the Chunin Exams are arriving soon. Rich snobs from across the globe will arrive to watch ninja beat each other to a pulp. It's like reality TV in that it's very soul crushing." One of the adult ninja began crying; he had broken his leg during the Chunin Exam years ago, and had never been the same since.

"As per usual, every teacher may recommend up to three students that they feel will be ready to face the insanely difficult challenges of the Chunin Exams."

Kakashi stepped up, his hands jammed in his pockets. "I nominate Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, and Sakura Haruno." In the back of the room, someone made a choking noise. It turned out to be Iruka, Naruto's first teacher.

"Kakashi, with all due respect, are you insane? Naruto is one of the worst students! How can he possibly take the Exams? And Sakura is as useless as a doornail!" Kakashi didn't so much as move during Iruka's rant.

"Iruka, they aren't your students anymore. You can no longer coddle them as if they were little kids. I AM their teacher now, and I KNOW what is best for them. Back off, loser." Iruka dashed out of the mansion, not wanting to cry in front of the others. Kakashi shrugged, and grabbed a book from his vest pocket.

Before he could read about the excitingly erotic adventures of pervert-kun, he felt a strong hand clamp around his bicep. Kakashi reluctantly lowered the book in time to see Asuma, a fellow teacher infamous for being a chain-smoker.

"You should watch your mouth, Kakashi," Asuma snarled. Kakashi calmly (but deliberately) removed Asuma's hand.

"And you should stop smoking around your students. It isn't healthy," Kakashi breezily responded, mentally pumping his fist at the sweet comeback.

Asuma ignored him, and turned to Hiruzen. "I nominate all three of my students: Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi, and Ino Yamanaka." Hiruzen nodded, sitting down on a chair to rest his weary bones. The chair giggled.

"What madness is this?" Hiruzen almost got a heart attack when the chair turned into a pretty female, another teacher named Kurenai.

"My illusions never fail," she gleefully cheered. Her eyes sparkled with mischief.

"Just nominate someone," Hiruzen grumbled, wondering if his heartbeat would ever slow down.

"I also nominate all three of my students: Hinata Hyuga, Kiba Inuzuka, and –what was his name? - Shino Aburame." Hiruzen nodded, before informing everyone that they had to leave immediately. As an elderly man, he got sleepy easily.

As all the teachers stumbled out of the dark mansion and into the stinging light, Kakashi spied Iruka, who stuck his tongue out at Kakashi.

"You're BAD!" was the immature cry that came out of Iruka's frowning mouth. Kakashi realized that Iruka would need a push to finally become a man. Thinking fast, Kakashi handed Iruka one of his dirty books. Face flushing, Iruka grabbed the novel and ran back to his house.

* * *

A week passed, and Naruto was confident that he had trained his body to the upper limits of human perfection. He could jump really high and run really fast, and as far as he was concerned, that would have to do.

Naruto and his two partners walked up to the building where the Chunin Exam would supposedly take place. Naruto could feel his hearth thrumming in his chest. Maybe he was kind of scared, but he would never admit that!

Still, he felt himself grab Sakura and Sasuke's hands as they walked inside. They both yanked their hands out of his grasp before anyone could see.

They had only travelled a few flights of stairs before hearing a scuffle. The trio ran to the top floor, where they were met with the disturbing sight of two punks (one of whom wore a bandage over the bridge of his nose) beating up on a defenseless emerald-garbed boy.

"I'm not getting any younger! Let me pass!" The boy's youthful voice reverberated throughout the smelly hallways. His bowlcut almost looked like Justin Dweeber, a ninja pop star who died in a mysterious accident years ago.

The two punks laughed and shoved the poor boy on his butt. A girl whose brown hair was tied into two buns stepped forward.

"Hey, don't you dare touch my teammate," she began bravely, before knocked down by the two bullies. The brave but weak girl pouted, not used to being pushed around.

"That's enough," Sasuke spoke up, his eyes daring anyone in the crowd to say anything. Considering that no one had been brave enough to help the loud boy or the poor girl, it was no surprise when everyone flinched.

"You wanna mess with us? You'll have to do so if you want to make it to the exam room." The two men cracked their knuckles. Sasuke snorted.

"Please, you two just used an illusion jutsu to make pretend that this is the top floor, when there is actually one floor left." Everyone gasped dramatically, and some of the female ninja even fainted. Sasuke ignored them and turned to Sakura, who turned beet red.

"Sakura, you're the smart one; I'm sure you noticed right away." Sakura paused, a look of utter confusion on her face.

After a few minutes passed, she remembered to reply. "Y-yeah, I totally noticed. It was child's play. I LOVE YOU SASUKE." Sasuke looked like he regretted trying to make her look good.

The two men who had managed to deceive almost every single ninja in the building lunged at Sasuke. The Uchiha youngster simply ducked, letting the two men crash into each other. The rest of the nameless ninja who would never graduate proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the two illusionists.

"Whatever, let's go," Naruto said, annoyed that he hadn't even been able to do anything. He had been played for a fool like everyone else! What kind of main character was he?

Before the three could climb the last set of stairs, they were stopped by Mr. Bowlcut. To Naruto's shock, he didn't have single bruise or scratch on him, despite the fact that he had been getting pummeled!

"Get outta my way!" Sasuke barked. The boy let out a meow before standing to attention like a good military man.

"My name is Rock Lee and I am very youthful and full of energy and I admire your deductive skills and Sakura I love you." His large rush of words hurt Sasuke's ears enough that he fell to his knees. Now nothing was standing between Rock Lee and Sakura. Rock Lee somehow formed a pink heart made purely out of his love, and sent it flying towards Sakura, who managed to pick up Sasuke and use him as a meatshield.

"SasuGAY," Naruto whispered as the pink heart crashed into Sasuke's forehead. Rock Lee looked saddened, but it didn't last long as his eyes perked up when the girl who had gotten beat up appeared. Unlike Rock Lee, she had bruises all over, and was limping.

"Tenten, I am very glad to see you and I hope you are doing OK even though you aren't as pretty as Sakura not to mention that you're weak." Tenten burst into tears, before calling out for someone called Neji.

Suddenly, a new character emerged from the sea of nameless characters. He had very long hair, for a boy, and his eyes didn't have any pupils. There was a bandage wrapped around his forehead.

"Neji, I presume?" Naruto growled, trying to sound cool and smart. Neji didn't even glance at him, choosing instead to circle Sasuke like a vulture circles prey.

"Stop that, he's shy!" Sakura stepped in-between Neji and Sasuke. The former smirked, before whispering something. In the next moment, Neji's eyes changed shape, and the area around them got all vein-y.

"I suddenly feel naked!" Sakura backed off, and Neji's eyes went back to normal.

"What is your name?" Neji asked Sasuke. Sasuke frowned, before informing Neji that demanding someone's name without giving their own was rude and cowardly.

"You already heard Tenten shout my name, you dolt!" Sasuke rolled his eyes, before giving his name out.

"An Uchiha, eh? I'll admit, that intrigues me; my full name is Neji Hyuga, so you can probably guess why." Naruto gasped; even he knew about the Hyuga! Even though everyone always crowed about the Uchiha's visual jutsu, the Hyuga were actually cooler.

Instead of Sharingan, they had an ability called Byakugan, which could let them see as far as a hawk. They could also see through everything, including clothing, and even spot weak points on an opponent's body.

"Can we switch teammates?" Naruto asked Tenten. She and Sakura both punched Naruto.

"I want to fight you," Neji informed Sasuke in the most straight-up way possible. Rock Lee snapped his fingers in front of Neji's sensitive eyes.

"Get in line because I challenge Sasuke here and now over the affections of Sakura Haruno and I will not be denied." Neji and Tenten ran off to do some paperwork.

"OK, fine. But where are we supposed to fight? This hallway is pretty crowded." Rock Lee gave Sasuke a thumbs up.

"Do not worry my friend I know a secret place even though I've never been here before." With a worried glance, the three Kakashi students followed Rock Lee down a spooky hole that had opened in the ground.

After falling about a hundred miles, and even passing Hades himself, the four ninja landed in a dark room that also happened to have a balcony.

"Forget Sasuke, fight me!" Naruto let out a battle roar, before running foolishly into Rock Lee's leg. Naruto didn't get up.

"NARUTO NO!" Sasuke cried out out-of-characterly. Gritting his teeth, Sasuke put the red contacts on. He just knew that this would intimidate Rock Lee.

Rock Lee got in a kung fu position. "Sasuke, let me make one thing perfectly clear; I cannot perform any jutsu." Sasuke fell on the floor and began to literally roll around laughing. A ninja who couldn't perform jutsu was useless. He couldn't teleport, shoot fireballs, emit smoke from his feet, or even swim really fast.

"Do not mock me Sasuke because it will be your undoing." Rock Lee zoomed at Sasuke like a speeding bullet train. Sasuke tried to block with his arms, but Rock Lee's punch crashed past the feeble defense and bopped Sasuke on the nose.

"How are you so fast?" Sasuke didn't mean to whine, but he hadn't expected such speed from a seemingly talentless ninja. As he stood up, he realized that both his contacts had fallen out. Sasuke blanched and crouched back down, trying to locate his precious contacts. Little did he know that Naruto had quickly snatched them up.

"I will prove that a ninja like you who is born with talent can never beat someone who has trained vigorously like me. Also, I have the power of youth on my side!" Rock Lee began to karate chop Sasuke with his bandage-covered hands. Sasuke cried for mercy, but nothing worked.

Sasuke knew that he had to run, and run he did. As he got close to the doors, he felt more than saw Rock Lee appear in front of him. In the next five seconds, he felt a foot connect with his chin, felt himself go flying in the air, and then felt himself get kicked back down to the ground.

"You just owned Sasuke, who's apparently the elite of the students in Konoha! How are you not famous?" Sakura looked dejected that her Sasuke could lose, but she was also curious. Rock Lee winked at her.

"Believe it or not, my teammate Neji is – EVEN STRONGER!" As Rock Lee moved in to kiss a motionless Sakura, a smoke bomb erupted between them. When the smoke cleared, a man who looked exactly like Rock Lee had appeared, and he was standing on a ninja turtle.

"Rock Lee! You can't go around beating up people! Aw, I'm just kidding! After all, I'm also youthful, so I understand what you kids go through!" Sakura made a face, because that man was in no way young at all.

"Might Guy! Oh teacher, I am so glad that you appeared in time to see me win against me epic rival Sasuke!" He and Might Guy hugged like bros. The turtle coughed, before disappearing with Might Guy.

Rock Lee made a fist, before dashing out the door. Naruto used this chance to gloat over Sasuke.

"I bet I could have beaten him like I beat Haku!" Sakura slugged Naruto, before helping Sasuke stand up. Together, the three ninja left the room, wondering what other weirdoes they would have to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when Rock Lee had a crush on Sakura? Nothing much ever came of that, huh.


	14. Ninja Trading Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto is overwhelmed by the amount of new characters, but he still has time to go trading card shopping.

Naruto slowly walked down the brightly lit hallway, managing to ignore the impulse to run at full speeds for the first time in his life. Perhaps it was because once he crossed the hallways and entered the doors, the Chunin Exam would officially begin. There was no turning back. It was a holy moment.

"Naruto, you look constipated," Sakura pointed out. Naruto knew she meant well, so he just gave her a kind smile.

When they turned the last bend, Naruto had to admit that he was pretty disappointed that Kakashi was blocking the doors to their destiny. Seriously, where had he been?

"Kakashi, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be playing board games with the other teacher, or whatever old people do?" Naruto hoped his question didn't come off as too cold.

"I just came to tell you guys…good luck. You'll need it. And remember, once you cross these doors, almost everyone will want to kill you." Naruto nodded, knowing that Kakashi actually wanted to break their spirits. Well, it wouldn't work!

"NOOOO!" Sakura screamed, but it was too late. Kakashi shoved them past the doors, before cackling and disappearing.

Naruto could hear Sakura and Sasuke grab each other in _Scooby-Doo_ style. There were over a hundred ninja, and many of them were full on adults who had never passed, so not only were they older, but they were in a bad mood.

And they were all staring at the three innocent ninja. Still, Naruto was confident due to the fact that if he had to, he could create a few dozen clones to help him kick butt.

Naruto scanned the crowd for any familiar face, but he may as well have spared himself the effort; three of his classmates were walking towards him.

"Hey, loserz," a blonde girl named Ino Yamanaka said, using her fingers to form an L over her forehead. Naruto hated her valley girl ways.

"Ino, why did you make us say hello to these guys? I'm too tired…" Shikamaru Nara was the laziest guy in the class. In fact, rumor had it that his mother always did his hair. Naruto hated sloths.

Choji Akimichi didn't say anything, because he was stuffing his fat face full of BBQ potato chips, the fifth bag since that morning. Naruto hated how Choji wore blue underwear on his head. It looked so stupid. Naruto also hated how Choji wouldn't share his food.

Sakura glared at Ino, before grabbing the blonde hair with no warning. The two girls rolled on the floor, making cat noises all the while. Naruto was totally rooting for Sakura.

"It's too early in the morning for this," Shakimaru grumbled.

"Too early for two girls to wrestle? Never!" Naruto almost died when he recognized that to be the voice of Kiba Inuzuka. After Sasuke, he was the most annoying kid in the class, made worse because he also wanted to be Hokage. Naruto hated Kiba's pet ninja dog, Akamaru, who followed Kiba everywhere – including the Chunin Exam, apparently.

"K-kiba, you shouldn't fight. We're all friends here." Hinata Hyuga rested an arm on Kiba's shoulder, before looking at Naruto and licking her lips. Naruto hated how creepy she was. Her pupil-less eyes didn't help.

"We're not friends!" Kiba barked, fitting for a dog-lover who wore a hoodie. Hinata looked at the ground and whispered, "You're right, some of us want to be more than friends."

"Uh, what?" Naruto was getting the heebie-jeebies already.

"No one noticed me? A shame," a quiet voice lamented. Everyone jumped, because they truly had forgotten that Shino Aburame was in the room. The boy was always the wallflower of the class, partially because he never hung out with the other kids. Also, who wore shades in the daytime? Naruto hated that!

"I'm your teammate, and I find you creepy as heck! Just stand there and be quiet, before I sic my dog on you!" Shino sighed, before walking to the corner of the room. Everyone except Naruto clapped at Kiba for his stern words.

"Oh, Sasuke. Like, if you had been on my way cool team, we could have been the perfect couple." Ino batted her eyelashes at Sasuke, but Sakura was prepared.

"Stay away, you hussy, or I'll tell him how you once shopped at Old Navy!"

"You whore!" Ino tackled Sakura, and the two girls began their feminine brawl again. Everyone else sweat-dropped.

Akamaru decided that if no one was going to feed him virginal sacrifices, he would have to make do with BBQ chips. Before Choji could react, Akamaru had snatched the plastic bag from him and wolfed the whole thing down.

The white dog expected Choji to scream, but the chubby kid smiled. "Joke's on you, dog; that plastic is poison to mutts."

Akamaru whimpered and crawled inside Kiba's coat, shivering because poison was a scary thing, even with ninja antidotes everywhere.

Naruto would have laughed, but Hinata was starting to sniff him.

"Hinata, you're not a dog, so what's your excuse?" The blue-haired girl looked startled at having been found out.

"Um, uh, well…." Naruto knew that he wouldn't be getting an answer anytime soon, and left her to twiddle her thumbs. If he wanted to have a stimulating conversation, he'd have to talk with… Actually, he didn't know!

Sasuke mumbled too much, Shikamaru would just complain, Sakura and Ino were still pulling on each other's hair, Shino was a man of few words, Choji only talked about food, and Kiba was an insufferable jerk. Naruto was stuck!

And that's when he noticed a bespectacled man motioning at him and his friends. Glad to have someone to possibly speak with, Naruto rushed over. Everyone else hesitantly followed him, filling the air with grumbles, cries of pain, and yawns.

"Hello one and all. My name is Kabuto Yakushi, and I am here today to sell some ninja trading cards." Upon seeing the looks of disgust from the nine ninja surrounding him, Kabuto quickly took a card out of his pocket.

"You see, these cards also come with 3D holographic images, and contain info on just about any ninja or village there is! For example, if I pull out the Sasuke card, you can learn things about him."

Sasuke scoffed. "You're bluffing. And everyone knows about my family, so don't try to sell that off as some kind of surprise."

Kabuto shyly (and yet also slyly) smiled as he began to read the card. "Sasuke Uchiha is the most skilled genin of Konoha, and is already quite skilled at taijutsu, special jutsu, and at dispelling genjutsu." Sasuke beamed with pride.

"However, he has yet to learn the special Uchiha skill of the Sharingan, and instead uses red-colored plastic contacts that he purchased at a dollar store. Furthermore, he gets scared easily."

"OK, that's enough," Sasuke stammered as he snatched the card away and stuffed it in his mouth. After some chewing, Sasuke swallowed the proof. Kabuto shrugged.

"Are there any people you'd like to hear about in particular?" Sasuke nodded, and mentioned that Rock Lee fellow.

"Here we go. Rock Lee was born a failure that couldn't even use Chakra. However, thanks to his teacher, he is the no. 1 genin in Konoha in terms of taijutsu, AKA hand to hand combat. He also prides himself on being young. He apparently has a crush on Sakura Haruno."

Sakura groaned, and Ino took that as her chance. "Sakura, I guess that total loser must be totes desperate if he likes you."

Naruto raised his hand excitedly. "Ooh, my turn. Do you have cards for….those three?" Naruto rudely pointed at three menacing ninja in the crowd. All three were dressed in drab, grey clothing. One of them was even hunched over.

Kabuto raised his glasses and nodded. "Those three are representing the Hidden Sound Village. They're called Team Dosu, and let me tell you, they're all pretty lame and unmemorable. There isn't anything special about them whatsoever."

The leader of Team Dosu must have had super-hearing, because after hearing the words that Kabuto spoke, he jumped across a whole bunch of desks just to reach the card seller.

"Uh oh," Kabuto whispered before the hunchback swiped at him. Kabuto dodged – but his glasses shattered anyway.

"Y-you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?" The leader looked disgusted, and skulked off. Kabuto dusted himself off and glared at the nine ninja.

"Some help you guys were," he muttered evilly, before edging away. As he left, the sunlight from the windows bounced off his glasses and made them glow in a mad scientist kind of way. The ninja genin didn't notice, or pretended not to, because how could shattered glasses do that?

"How long do we have to wait for things to start? I swear that the card game thing took like an hour!" Kiba somehow whined louder than his dog; Naruto had to admit that he was impressed that any human could do that. He was also impressed at how long Hinata could stare at him without blinking.

Kiba must have jinxed it, because right then two large doors burst open as if someone gave them a good kick. Standing in the doorway was a tall man with the build of a ninja football player. His piercing glare gave the impression that he was used to giving his enemies nasty looks.

"All of ya brats had better follow me, before things get rough!" The genin gave each other nervous looks, and hustled after the man. Well, they all followed except for Shikamaru, who had fallen asleep at one of the desks. No one bothered to wake him up.

"By the way, my name is Ibiki Morino. Forget it at your peril." One expendable raised a hand, and Ibiki snapped his neck. This was truly a school for ninja!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack. Too many characters!


	15. On Your Mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto and pals take a written exam. Except that's boring, so forget that.

"It is now time for the first part of the Chunin Exams, maggots!" Ibiki glared menacingly at everyone in the audience. Naruto heard Sakura gulp, but he was excited! Finally, it was time to show his stuff! As long as it wasn't a written exam, he had confidence that he would do well.

"The first exam is the annual written exam." Naruto screamed, before collapsing on the ground. Sasuke glared at him.

"Why are you surprised? Like scarface said, it's an annual thing. Surely someone told you about it." Naruto stuck his tongue out.

"Hello," Naruto drawled out. "Orphan that had no friends growing up speaking!" Both ninja jumped guiltily when Ibiki banged his fists against the wall of the room they had filed in.

"No speaking," Ibiki growled as each kid sat heavily onto the wooden benches that filled the room. "Say a word, and I'll have your tongues cut out. Now pick up your pencils!"

*insert written test part*

"I'm glad that's over," Naruto sighed, wiping his sweaty forehead with his headband. "It's just too bad that the ninja academy apparently promotes cheating." Sakura, who had been staring at Sasuke, glanced at Naruto.

"I spaced out during the test. What happened?" Naruto blushed, and began to answer, when Sasuke pushed in front.

"Eh, it was boring. You didn't miss much. Well, except for the part where some loud female teacher broke in through the window carrying five snakes on her back. She then kicked Ibiki in the nuts before telling everyone that we had to go meet with her in front of the forest behind the school."

Sakura looked disappointed that she had missed such insanity, but Naruto was more interested in that last part. "We have a forest behind the school?"

The air had grown considerably more humid by the time Naruto and pals made it to the clearing that signified the start of the forest. A large, rusted gate ominously blocked the path. Various decaying signs littered the gate, saying such despondent things as, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter," and "I'm off to have a picnic. Wish me luck!"

"Glad to see you guys could finally bother to show up!" Naruto wanted to flip off the person who said those words, but considering that she was a teacher who had just beat up another teacher, Naruto didn't want to take any chances. Besides, her pet snakes were giving him the evil eye.

"OK, listen up and listen good! My name is Anko Mitarashi, and I will be your instructor for the second part of the Chunin Exams, which is also ten times more exciting than the stuff you had to slog through just now!" One kid raised his hand, and this time, wasn't killed off.

"Teacher, why did you take us to this forest? My parents told me that it was illegal to even enter." Anko held up a finger to halt the boy, before taking a swig out of a bottle she kept in her purse. After a large gulp, she addressed the boy.

"Rules suck, kid. Learn that if nothing else. Any more questions?" Shikamaru, who had been sleeping on Choji's big belly, stood to attention.

"Can we at least know the name of the place? It'll be important to know if we ever need to write a letter to a pen-pal explaining how our day went." Anko jumped up and down giddily as if she had been waiting for someone to ask that very question.

"This forbidden forest, off limits to everyone, is called…" she paused, and took another swig from her drink. Everyone groaned. When she finally finished, she began coughing, and one of her snakes had to slap her on the back.

"OK, OK, I'm done." As she opened her mouth to tell them the dramatic name, she sneezed.

"GET ON WITH IT," Shikamaru screamed, at the end of his rope. Blushing, Anko quickly shot out, "Forest of Death." Sakura paled, and turned to leave. Naruto and Sasuke grabbed her by the arms.

"I'm too pretty to die," Sakura sobbed with conviction as she shook her long mane of rose-pink color. Naruto and Sasuke did their best to console her, all too aware of the fact that everyone was staring.

"Enough of this nonsense," Anko snarled as she took a large bite out of a stick of shish kebab, licking her lips when some of the meat juice dribbled down her mouth. Naruto was powerless to go against his stomach, which wanted a taste of that tender meat. As he reached out to steal Anko's meat-stick, he felt something sharp graze his cheek. A moment later, something hot slid down his face.

"Owie!" Naruto suddenly felt the need to have a good cry (like Sakura), but Anko started to lick his cheek, which naturally distracted him.

"Tastes like ramen," Anko whispered. Jolting out of whatever trance she had been in, Anko grinned sheepishly at Naruto. "Sorry, but whenever I see blood, I can't help myself. I'm just really drawn to it, even if it comes from a chump like you."

A soft, slithery voice asked, "May I try ssssome too? I promisssse not to take too much." Naruto felt his spine tingle at the voice; it was beyond slimy. Reluctantly, he turned his head to see who had been addressing him. It was a vampire-level pale woman, and normally that might be hot, but instead, it only made Naruto's feeling worse.

"Sorry, only I can feast on the students here," Anko said cheerily, but with an underbite of danger. The mysterious lady merely tipped her head, before slinking off, and despite them being in an open and sunny field, no one could see where she vanished to.

"Um, I think I forgot to turn my oven off," Naruto lamely interjected before running back to his teammates, who were playing hopscotch. Sasuke stopped the moment Naruto came into view. Sakura looked peeved at Naruto's untimely appearance.

"Everyone, choose a gate to stand in front of," Anko called as she guzzled down a bottle of soda. Obeying their teacher for once, each team chose a gate without any scuffles or arguments. At each gate, there was a small tent, where ninja handed each team of three a scroll.

"Aw man," Naruto griped. "I hope this doesn't lead to a test. I'm actually really bad at reading Japanese." Sakura elbowed him, before turning to the man giving out the scrolls.

"Sir, could you tell us the rules of this next challenge? No one bothered to tell us anything." The man grunted, before pointing his thumb at a laminated poster on the wall. Naruto squinted his eyes, but he couldn't make out almost any of the words.

"It says that to pass, we need two kinds of scrolls," Sasuke read slowly. Sakura hung on to every word. "The scroll that we have is Light scroll, which means that to win, we need to steal someone's Dark scroll. Naruto, this means that this game is similar to capture the flag." Naruto's dismayed and confused look changed to a grinning one.

* * *

"Let's make this snappy." Ino flipped her hair, showing off for any hot guys that might be watching. Choji burped loudly, having finished off his tenth bag of chips.

"You're disgusting." Ino wanted to choke Choji with some of that food he seemed to love so much, but she was also worried that he might enjoy that.

"What's the rush?" Shikamaru was trying to nap on the cool grass. Ino kicked him in the chest, noting with satisfaction that he didn't look so relaxed anymore.

"Duh, I have a date with a buff dude tomorrow, so I can't spend all night searching for a stupid scroll. Ugh, I wish they would open the gates already!" Pouting, she sat down on Shikamaru's back, unwilling to get any grass stains on her ninja outfit.

* * *

Kiba was restless waiting for the gate to open. Akamaru had the right idea, relieving himself on a tree. Kiba decided to follow his dog's example, and he lifted a leg to free the pee. Hinata looked away, blushing.

"K-Kiba, I really don't think that you should be doing that out here in the open." Kiba rolled his eyes. Hinata could be so unbelievable at times.

"I bet if your precious Naruto was peeing in public, you wouldn't care." Suddenly, he face began to grind against the rough bark of the tree, and one of his arms twisted painfully. Hinata's breath tickled the back of his neck.

"Don't speak about Naruto in such a way again, or you're dead," Hinata whispered, before biting Kiba's left ear. Kiba howled in pain; he liked biting people randomly, but when it was the other way around…

What was so special about Naruto anyway? Then again, Kiba didn't like the idea of being stalked by Hinata either.

Someone coughed, and both Kiba and Hinata turned to see the interloper. A mysterious person wearing shades was calmly leaning against their gate with one leg. Kiba thought that he looked like a delinquent. He could easily picture the shady dude smoking a cigarette.

"Who the heck are ya?" Kiba growled at the stranger. The man breathed in sharply, and Kiba crouched down, prepared for an attack.

"I'm your teammate, you dolt!" Kiba blinked at the man. "Shino. SHINO! You know, the bug guy." Kiba smacked his hands together. Now he remembered! Shino was that quiet guy that no one wanted to associate with!

"Sorry, I didn't recognize you when you weren't covered in cockroaches," Hinata whispered. Shino stomped away, his hands jammed in his coat, despite the fact that it was the middle of summer.

* * *

Rock Lee could not stop staring at Sakura. She was a flower in a bed of weeds, which included his two teammates. Weak Tenten brought nothing to the table, and stoic Neji was just a bore who only cared about power and destiny and possibly optical care.

"Rock Lee, you're drooling, and frankly, it's embarrassing." Neji didn't need to raise his voice to let someone know that he was done with their bullcrap. Rock Lee quickly and defiantly wiped the drool of his mouth.

"I was not drooling and I was not staring at Sakura but even if I was it would be excusable because I am in the prime of my youth and such reactions are only too normal for a healthy boy my age." Neji's eyes twitched.

"Guys, shouldn't you be worried? We might face some tough opponents inside," Tenten whined, killing Lee's buzz and also proving her weakness and lack of resolve. Rock Lee vowed to himself that he would never be weak like that, on pain of death.

* * *

Naruto had almost fallen asleep when Anko's loud voice jolted him right up. "The gates are now opening. To all you younger applicants who are feeling scared right now, I only have one thing to say: Try not to get killed too fast." She grinned a carnivorous grin, and Naruto heard Sakura gulp. That was all she had time for as the gates creaked open, and the trio hurled themselves inside.

The moment they stepped through the gates, it was like they were in another world. The noise simply vanished: no birds chirped, no wind rustled the leaves, and even Naruto didn't say anything. The ninja walked on for a bit, until they came to a large tree stump.

"I am proud to say that I packed all the necessities that we could need," Sakura bragged as she dropped the large knapsack that she had been carrying the entire time. She opened the top, before dumping a bunch of stuff on the ground. Naruto peered in to get a better look.

"Things we'll need? Yeah, I think you mean things that a girl would need!" Indeed, the contents included a hairbrush, some dresses, eyeliner, and some unmentionables. Sakura blushed before snatching the latter back up.

"Please tell me that one of you brought food," Sasuke begged. He himself had only brought a second pair of contact lenses, just in case. Naruto and Sakura sheepishly shook their heads.

"On that note, I need to go pee." Naruto reached down to undo his zipper, but Sakura bonked him on the head.

"Moron, I'm a classy lady, I don't need to see that. Go do it over in that dark part of the forest." Naruto didn't especially want to go to a spooky area, but he reluctantly agreed. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

A few minutes later, as he finished watering the plants around him, he was knocked unconscious by a mysterious ninja. His vision glazed over, and he knew that he would have a nasty bump on his head when he woke up.

_Oh, so that's the worst that could happen. Dang…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't get me wrong, I think the written exam was actually pretty cool in the anime, but I figured that this version would make for more comedic value. ;)


	16. Password?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since getting lost in a forest is easy, passwords are important. Never forget them!

"Where is that idiot now?" Sasuke wouldn't be surprised if Naruto had somehow gotten himself lost when going to relieve himself. It was the kind of thing that loser would do. Sakura, who had been applying skin lotion, smiled at Sasuke.

"If you want, I could go look for him, sweetie." Sasuke wanted to laugh.

"And what? Have two people lost in this forest? I don't think so." Sakura tearfully went back to her skin. A silence fell between them, until a familiar voice shattered it.

"Yo guys, what's up? Dawg, I am dead tired, know what I mean?" It was Naruto…but something about his words seemed off. The ninja looked fine though, lively running towards them.

"Naruto, where have you been?" Sakura looked like she wanted to lay into him for daring to make her wait longer than ten minutes. Naruto stuck his tongue out of her.

"Dang, girl, I had stuff to do, you know what I'm saying? For real. By the way, Sasuke, I happen to think that you're really cool." Sasuke jumped to Naruto and stabbed him in the chest. Sakura screamed, dropping her makeup.

"Sasuke, did I cramp your style?" Sasuke shook his head. "You're obviously an imposter. Naruto hates my guts." Naruto looked confused, and the confusion slowly transformed into anger.

"I thought I had studied him so well, but I guess I was a bit off." The not-Naruto jumped back and made a hand-sign, and after the puff of smoke disappeared, a tall man wearing a full bodysuit was all that remained. His shoulders trembled with silent laughter.

"Where are you from?" Sasuke wanted to know everything about this mystery ninja. He wanted to know all his dark secrets! The ninja wagged a finger at Sasuke.

"No way would I tell you anything about me. Mostly because there isn't anything to tell." The man's shoulders slumped. "God, I'm so lame." Sasuke had heard enough. He walked up to the ninja and stabbed him in the stomach with a kunai knife.

"Again?" The ninja's blood-splattered face contorted with pain before he died. _No one will ever accuse me of being a pansy ever again_ , Sasuke thought with grim satisfaction.

"That was so hot, Sasuke!" Sakura was staring at Sasuke with hearts in her eyes, despite the blood that was present. Sasuke felt his skin crawl.

"Hi guys. Sorry I took so long to pee, but I just kinda blacked out or something. Darn mosquitoes," Naruto grumbled loudly as he entered the clearing. Then he gasped when he spotted the corpse next to Sasuke. The brooding ninja smacked the loser on the head before calling him and Sakura over for an impromptu meeting.

"OK, as far as we know, the whole forest could be crawling with ninja who can transform their bodies to resemble someone else. I don't like the idea of running into another, somehow even cooler me. Naruto, you're dumb as a rock, and Sakura can't think for herself, so I left it upon myself to think of a good plan."

"BORING!" Naruto jumped to his feet, getting leaves on Sasuke's hair. "I have a plan! We build a net, hide it under some dead leaves or whatever, and then wait for another ninja to step into it! Then we'll steal their scroll!" He grinned, pleased with himself. Sasuke wondered if Naruto realized that almost any ninja who had made it to the Chunin Exams had surely trained against such an obvious trap.

"…Maybe," Sasuke answered, just to shut Naruto up, "but before that, we also need a fool-proof plan to tell us apart from any fakes that might appear. So, I have come up with a password that only the three of us would know, unless another ninja is listening in on us…but that's just silly."

Sakura and Naruto leaned in, because the way Sasuke grumbled, they would have to if they even wanted to hear the password. "The password is 646347236472547368373. Got it?"

Naruto silently began to count on his fingers, but it wasn't long before his eyes began to turn into dizzy circles, and the poor boy fainted from brain overload. Sakura scoffed and she and Sasuke walked away hand in hand, at least before Sasuke snatched his arm away from her.

* * *

As Naruto slowly came to, it took him a few minutes to remember that he wasn't safe at home in his own unmade bed, but on the wet ground of a dangerous forest. He was mildly surprised that he was still alive.

Then he looked up into the gaping and dripping mouth of a giant, purple, Godzilla-sized snake. Naruto let out a nervous chuckle before being swallowed whole. He had never ridden any of the amusement park water tubes, but he was pretty sure that the experience would be pretty similar.

"Aw man, I had big dreams! Dreams of becoming hokage and smashing Sasuke under my foot and showing the whole world that I wasn't to me messed with. Instead, I'm about to become snake crap!" He kicked and punched at the slimy walls around him, but he might as well have been punching a rubber band.

* * *

Bored of waiting for Naruto, and somehow having managed to avoid meeting up with any other ninja, Sasuke had reluctantly played hide and seek with Sakura. Seconds after she left to hide, Sasuke realized how stupid that decision had been.

"Sakura, come back. I don't wanna play anymore." Sakura trudged back, sulking. Still, how could he be sure that was really her? "Password, please."

"646347236472547368373." Sasuke had to admit….that was kind of impressive. He was 99% sure that Naruto could never memorize something with so many numbers. As if on cue, Naruto jumped in front of Sasuke from on top of a nearby tree. Naruto's eyes glimmered with darkness.

"Hello, Sssasssuke. I know that you want that passsword, ssso I'll give it to you: 646347236472547368373. There, isss that right?" Naruto smiled at Sasuke, who stabbed him in the chest. Naruto's grin faltered at that.

"Please. The real Naruto couldn't have memorized that long numeric sequence in a hundred years. You're obviously a fake, but a skilled one. Otherwise, there's no way that you could have overheard us making our plans." Sasuke's eyes widened as the kunai knife that he had assumed embedded itself in the fake's flesh shattered. The not-Naruto grinned creepily.

"Actually, no, it wasss easssy. I jussst hid behind a bush and let you ssspill your gutsss. I sssuppose that backfired on me, but what can you do?" The fake Naruto leaned in to lick Sasuke, who scampered few feet away. The Naruto-lookalike began to tear off his own skin, until all that was left was a familiar looking woman.

"You're that freak that was trying to lick Naruto's blood earlier," Sakura screeched at supersonic levels. Sasuke had to cover his ears, but the mysterious lady merely bowed in a mocking way.

"My name is Ssshiore, little girl. Unfortunately, that yellow-haired morsssel isn't here, ssso I'll have to find sssome other way of…sssating my urges." Sakura trembled as she grabbed the back of Sasuke's shirt, almost ripping the Uchiha symbol off.

"It's time to get serious," Sasuke muttered as he grabbed his Sharingan contact lenses from his pockets and slipped them over his eyes. If this lady wanted to lick his young body, hopefully his eyes would scare her off. Prepared, he stared into her eyes and –

Sakura was on the ground, covered in blood. There were some words next to her: REDRUM. Sasuke didn't like this, except he was dead too, so there was nothing he could do. Naruto wasn't there; of course, that dumb ninja would somehow escape. Sasuke only wished that he could die in color; his surroundings looked like a photograph taken in the days before ninja even wove hand-signs.

And suddenly, he was back. He hadn't actually died, but that witch had given him some sort of freaky vision. It was the most vivid that Sasuke had ever had. "That was the most intense trip I've ever had, at least since I stopped taking my medication," Sakura drawled in a daze. Sasuke gaped at her.

"That's what will happen to you in jussst a few minutesss," Shiore cackled gleefully. "I will drain you both dry." Sasuke screamed like a girl before dashing off into the trees, crashing through branches like a wild beast. He didn't want to die! He didn't want to get sucked! He just hoped that Sakura would forgive him for leaving her behind like a wuss.

Sasuke climbed a tree, hoping that Shiore couldn't follow, but when he looked down, he saw her climbing the tree rapidly. No, not climbing…she was crawling – _she had no legs_. Her lower half resembled a slithering serpent. Sasuke screamed. "Stay away! Leave me alone!"

"Pansssy," she hissed as she reached Sasuke and smacked him on the cheek hard enough to send him flying on to another sturdy tree branch. As he wobbled to his feet, he could hear Shiore laugh. She was mocking him, and he couldn't blame her. He was acting like a total coward!

"HEEYYYYYY!" Sasuke winced. Only one ninja he knew would arrive on the battlefield, not in stealth, but yelling his lungs out. "Sasuke, I made it!" Indeed, it was Naruto, standing on a branch above Shiore, who looked pleased to see the return of her favorite morsel.

"By the way, I forgot your stupid password. Not really, though, because I never listened to you say it in the first place. Haha!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time: Gender switching and love bites!


	17. Necking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke is being a coward, so Naruto has to step up. But Shiore has...other plans.

Naruto was really proud of his boisterous entrance. He had wanted to jump in right when Sasuke was at his lowest, and thus, entering like every single classic hero ever. He was pretty sure he had even surpassed his entrance back at the battle with Haku.

"Naruto, you idiot!" Sasuke was glaring up at Naruto, the Sharingan contacts in his eyes. "Do you even realize that you could have struck that freak in the back of her head?" Naruto pretended not to hear; he didn't need stealth lessons from Sasuke McGrumble.

"Anyway, I was just about to give up," Sasuke admitted, hanging his head low. He took their Light Scroll out of his pocket. Naruto's eyes widened. Even Sasuke wouldn't dare to –

"If I give our scroll to Shiore, maybe she'll leave us alone!" Sasuke raised his arm, and Naruto looked around wildly for a way to reach Sasuke quickly.

"Jussst ssso you know, I'll hunt you down anyway." Shiore shrugged. Sasuke paused, before tossing the scroll to her anyway. Naruto knew it was time for drastic measures; fortunately, he was a huge _Tarzan_ fan. Grabbing a large vine, Naruto jumped off his branch, screaming, "Eoueoueoueou!"

He managed to snatch the scroll before landing next to Sasuke. "You know, if you wanted to play Hot Potato, you could have warned me." Sasuke began to suck his thumb.

"I was just so scared," Sasuke whispered. "I don't want to die." Naruto slapped him, snarling like the beast he was.

"Have you become a pansy? What's wrong with you?" Sasuke tenderly rubbed his reddening cheek.

"Oh yeah? Well, where were you, idiot? Lost in the forest?" Naruto rubbed his head.

_Naruto was trapped in the snake, awaiting his fate, which would involve being digested by the snake's acidic fluids. What a nasty way to die. If only he could somehow pierce the snake's skin. His eyes widened; he just remembered that he had super ninja powers!_

" _Multi-Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Naruto created a hundred clones, blowing up the snake like an overstuffed balloon. Cleaning himself off afterwards hadn't been fun._

"IT WAS YOU!" Naruto turned to Shiore, who was baring her fangs at him. "YOU KILLED BOBBY! HE WAS MY FAVORITE PET!" It seemed to Naruto that she was so mad, she forgot to drag out her s sounds. With a cry, she clapped her hands together and summoned an even bigger snake than the last. It hissed at Naruto.

"Shouldn't a vampire lady have pet bats?" Naruto was pretty curious why a vampire would want an animal that didn't suck blood. Shiore coughed and twiddled her thumbs.

"I couldn't afford the bats in this country. But whatever, time to die." She snapped her finger, and the result was immediate; the humongous snake charged at Naruto and Sasuke with speed that ignored its size. Sasuke closed his eyes and tumbled to his knees, seemingly trapped in the murky depths of despair that only an emo ninja could fall in.

Naruto sighed. It was all up to him. Again. Why was Sasuke, no, the whole village always making fun of him, and yet always leaving him to clean everything up? It wasn't fair. Naruto felt his rage build up inside him, and it felt like being powered by a special generator.

The snake crashed into Naruto, and it felt like a train, and by all rights, he should have been knocked over. But somehow, he was able to hold the snake back using only one hand. At that moment, Naruto felt like a superhero. HE COULD DO ANYTHING.

He lunged at Shiore, ready to punch her face off, but she merely ducked his punch, and before he could recover, he felt something slimy constrict around his neck. His oxygen being severely depleted, he found that he couldn't talk.

He managed to look behind him, and wanted to puke at what he saw; the slimy thing choking him wasn't some wet rope; it was Shiore's tongue, stretched out like some kind of anteater. Naruto struggled as hard as he could, but the strength he had gained was suddenly proving useless.

"You could prove troublesome, so I'll just do this." Shiore pressed her glowing hand against Naruto's stomach. It was too embarrassing; Naruto felt himself begin to black out.

* * *

Sasuke watched with horror as Naruto showed him up, stopping a snake that resembled a bullet train more than an animal. And then foolhardy Naruto even attacked Shiore. He was pitifully defeated, but still, it was brave. Sasuke had to admit that, in comparison, he had been pretty useless throughout. But now was his chance; Shiore had just dropped Naruto's body, intending to let the ninja fall all the way to the forest floor. Sasuke could catch him!

Out of nowhere, a kunai knife pinned Naruto to the bark of the tree, saving him. Sasuke looked down to see Sakura. Sasuke groaned; even freaking Sakura had done something! Why was he so useless? He had to fight!

"I would have drained him," Shiore explained airily. "But his blood stunk of ramen, and I didn't want that. But you, Sasuke, look delicious." She snapped her fingers again, and the snake disappeared in a puff of red smoke. Sasuke tensed; this time, he wouldn't show any fear, aside from the knocking of his legs.

"If you want to devour me, come and get me!" Shiore lunged at Sasuke, punching him in the face so hard that she knocked his contact lenses off. They fell off the tree, falling to the ground so far below. Sasuke couldn't try to find them though; he was too busy trying not to get his face re-arranged.

But surprisingly, he found that he could keep up with Shiore. In fact, some her seemingly fastest moves were practically transcribed to him. "I can see!" Shiore gave him a strange look, because of course she knew that he wasn't blind.

"I bet that you can't even land a single blow on me!" Sasuke bravely jutted his chin out, and received a painful sock in the face for his troubles. The emo ninja howled with pain as he dashed behind one of the wide trees.

"You can't hide, boy." Shiore jumped on to the tree, and began to slowly climb around it, like some sort of monkey. As she tackled Sasuke, she belatedly realized that what she was grabbing was a life-sized Sasuke-shaped blow-up doll. Before she could move, it exploded, and silvery tendrils wrapped around her, pinning her lithe body to the tree trunk. A smirking Sasuke peeked out from behind a bush.

"Why Sasuke, I had no idea that you were into such naughty things," Shiore purred. Sasuke wasn't sure whether she was referring to the string that was binding her, or the blow-up doll. Either way, he refused to rise to her bait; that was something Naruto might do.

"I should probably ask you to stop hounding me and my teammates, but you don't seem like the kind of lady who will stop when asked. Instead, it's time I turned you into barbeque." Shiore began to struggle against her bonds, but he knew she would never slip away in time as he prepared his hottest move.

"Fireball Phoenix Hot Sauce Breath!" He summoned up the memory of the spicy food he had ingested the day before, and shot a large flame consisting of that food's power out of his mouth. The flames completely engulfed the base of the tree's trunk, which is where Shiore was being held. He could hear her shrieks, but being an emo ninja, he simply closed his eyes and let the natural wind caress his hair.

"I guess you could say that she's…well done." Sasuke fist pumped, wishing that he had a pair of sunglasses to go along with that **burn**. Oh yeah, he was on a roll! He supposed that he should probably go brag to someone, like Sakura.

As he turned to leave, he heard someone laugh. It was a disturbing sound, mainly because the laugh sounded like it had two halves; the laugh sounded one half female and one half male. Sasuke wasn't even sure if that was possible, but his doctor had told him that he had nothing wrong with his ears. Sasuke took his check-ups very seriously.

Sasuke turned around, his kunai knife ready, but he wasn't prepared for the absolute level of shock and horror that he received! Shiore had somehow survived his attack! That was just plain impossible!

Oh yeah, and also, half of her face had literally melted off. Now that was more along the lines of what Sasuke had been expecting, only the parts of her face that had melted off like hot cheese uncovered another face, one much more pale, with a single, glowing eye starring at Sasuke, in a possibly lecherous way.

"What are you?" Sasuke whispered, forgetting that Shiore probably couldn't hear him from that distance.

* * *

Anko was gorging on some high-in-fat chocolate, and sipping a drink that she had been assured was orphan tears. It had a remarkably bitter taste. Unfortunately, her good mood evaporated when one of the Elite Anbu Black Operatives arrived, probably to tell her some bad news. Maybe one of the kids had been killed; that might just save her mood.

"Anko, we found something very startling, and none of us grunts know what to do." They were all so helpless without her around; she almost felt sorry for their pathetic hides.

She sighed. "Fiiiine. But this better be good." A few minutes later, she and the useless ninja entered a clearing, where three bodies were to be found lying on the ground. All three were corpses, and one of them was missing its face. It was deliciously gruesome. Anko bit into a chocolate bear.

"My lady, how can you still have an appetite after seeing this?" Anko hushed her subordinate with one glare, before kneeling down to get a better look at the body. Something about it was familiar…

She snapped her fingers. "I know this lady. Shiore, or something like that. She and her two brothers entered the Chunin Exams, hoping to earn some money for their poor family. If someone stole Shiore's face, someone must have entered the exams under her name!" The Anbu gasped.

"My lady, shouldn't we do something?" Anko scoffed, giving him a look of disbelief.

"And miss my relaxation time? I don't think so. Besides, I don't give a crap." Anko strode away, eager to eat more of her sweets, leaving her minion to wallow in self-pity. Whatever, she was sure those kids could handle themselves. They didn't need any responsible adult figures watching over them anyway.

* * *

Sasuke watched in horrified fascination as Shiore broke free from her bonds and began to tear the rest of her face off. While she still had her long, raven-colored hair, her pale face was now much more noticeable, and her pupils now resembled a reptile's.

"Lady, you are ugly." Shiore smiled, showing off some wicked looking fangs.

"Silly boy, I'm not a female. My name is actually Orochimaru; Shiore was the name of the unfortunate soul whose face I carved out." Orochimaru licked his lips at the memory; Sasuke almost gagged.

"You're sure that you're not a girl?" From where Sasuke stood, Orochimaru fit all the requirements; long hair, a slender body, earrings, and his voice was slithery, not deep. Orochimaru giggled, before becoming a living nightmare.

Sasuke couldn't move as Orochimaru's neck extended like a giraffe, shooting his head forward until the two were face to face. Sasuke gulped as Orochimaru bared his fangs. Predictably, Orochimaru sank his sharp teeth into Sasuke's neck. Sasuke knew that the guy was a vampire!

* * *

Sakura, who had been cowering behind a bush, walked into the clearing to find Sasuke. She gasped at the sight that met her emerald eyes: Sasuke was being necked by some pervert! Sakura screamed at the top of her lungs, hoping that would scare off the molester. The creep tore his mouth away from the boy's neck, licking his scarlet lips.

"What did you do to him?" Sakura screamed when she noticed how limp Sasuke's body was. The mysterious man laughed in a way that could almost be called gentle; Sakura called it slimy.

"I gave him a…gift. I hope he uses it well. Twala." With that, the mysterious man flipped his long hair and jumped away. Sakura felt tears build in her eyes. What if Naruto was right? What if Sasugay…wasn't interested in girls? Did that mean she stood no chance?

The first day of the Forest of Death was over, and already her week was ruined!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Now that Naruto and Sasuke have been defeated, our new protagonist is...Sakura?  
> They're doomed.


	18. Sakura Becomes A Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Naruto and Sasuke down and out, Sakura must find her inner strength in order to triumph.

Kakashi had given up on trying to read his erotic novel about ten minutes ago. He had assumed that now that his three charges were busy fighting for their lives, he could have some peace and quiet. But he had forgotten that his fellow instructors could be just as childish as the ninja in training.

"Oh Asuma, you're such a man," Kurenai breathed, before coughing due to the cigarettes that Asuma chain-smoked. She was currently sitting on his lap, pointedly ignoring Kakashi. As Asuma's smoke began to pervade the room, Kakashi wondered to himself why he had chosen to read at the teacher's lounge. He should have chosen the basement; sure, it was dank and dark and filled with mice, but he wouldn't have to listen to two adults sloppily flirt.

"Kakashi! Let's do 200 pushups, just because we can!" Kakashi quickly pretended to regain interest in his novel; Might Guy had some crazy delusion that the two were rivals. Truthfully, Kakashi thought that Guy was a nut who was only allowed to teach kids because of his exceptional taijutsu skills.

"Kakashi! Don't ignore me! Fine then, arm wrestling contest!" Before Kakashi could stop him, Guy had grabbed his hand, and began pulling on it. Cornered, Kakashi was forced to participate; Guy easily won, having far more arm-strength.

As Guy decided to do 100 cartwheels to celebrate, Kakashi figured that it was time to grab a cup of water. Grabbing a chilled bottle from the mini-fridge, Kakashi expected to cool his throat, sputtering when the undeniable taste of coffee assaulted his tastebuds.

Kurenai sent him an apologetic look. "Sorry, force of habit," the illusion-user said sheepishly. Asuma patted her head. Kakashi wanted to gag, disgusted at the nasty trick.

"So, how do you think our kids are doing?" Asuma, shockingly, had actually taken the cigar out of his mouth to ask the question. Each of the teachers paused to think before the room shook with the resounding, "Who cares?"

* * *

Whenever Sakura woke up in the morning, safe in her own pink-colored room, she loves hearing the early morning birds chirping away. The noise always cheered her up. Now, in the dark forest, no birds chirped. That said, even that may not have lifted her sour mood.

After the freak had dashed off, Sakura had dragged Naruto and Sasuke's unconscious bodies under a fallen tree, which would hopefully give them some protection until they woke up, because she wouldn't be able to stop any evil ninja from robbing them all.

Not only was she scared, but she was stressed out about that man who had given Sasuke a hickey. Was Sasuke in on it? Had the man forced himself on Sasuke? Did she have a chance with her crush? Was her hair messed up? A quick glance at her ninja mirror showed that some leaves had gotten themselves stuck in her pink mane. Ugh!

"It's hard for such a pretty female like me to waste away as a ninja. It makes keeping my appearance feminine so hard." Perhaps complaining about her looks while she was hiding from a psychopath made her shallow, but she had always kept a prideful watch on her body. All the better to attract Sasuke, of course!

Thinking again of Sasuke, she smoothed back some of his raven-colored hair. He looked so handsome, even when he was unconscious. "Sasuke, please wake up soon. I need you!" She couldn't care less about Naruto, though; she even gave his body a good kick to show her disdain.

"Attacking your own teammate when he's injured? You Hidden Leaf ninja are more devious than even we imagined." Sakura whirled around, feeling terrified when she realized that the trees had actually been terrible cover.

"Wait, I know you three!" Sakura remembered them! They were the three sound ninja that four-eyes, erm, Kabuto had insulted. She really hoped that they weren't one of those groups who held grudges.

The seeming leader of the group, a hunchback who wore a fur coat and used bandages to cover half his face, stepped up. Sakura immediately named him "Mummy" in her head. "We have no business with you, bubblegum. We want to kill Sasuke Uchiha, and now that he's helpless and defenseless, we feel confident enough to step in." One of his partners, a tall man with Super Saiyan style hair, smirked at how evil they were.

The lone female member, who had waist-long hair that Sakura would have killed to have, hissed like a female tiger. Sakura gulped. All three of these ninja looked way out of her league. Still, at the very least, she had planned a little something for such an occasion.

"Step any closer, and you'll have to deal with me!" Sakura made sure that she put a commanding note in her voice that would stop them cold. Immediately, all three stepped forward – and then a green net that had been placed there wrapped around them before lifting up among the trees.

"That's cute," the leader joked before doing…something. Whatever he did was effective; the net was cut to smithereens, the little flakes falling down like snow. Sakura smacked her forehead; that's what she got for listening to a plan that Naruto had! Why hadn't she listened to Sasuke when he said the plan was stupid?

"Let's kill her too," the feisty lady begged. "I don't like her, and since she tried to trap us, I think its fine." Mummy shrugged, giving his permission. All three began to crowd towards Sakura who waved her mirror at them threateningly.

A loud crashing noise caught everyone's attention, and all the characters that weren't currently in dreamland turned to the pile of branches that had been snapped from the trees overhead. Sakura wondered if it was some kind of wild monkey. It turned out that she was partially right.

"Hold it right there you creeps because assaulting a lone girl is despicable and she is also very cute!" Sakura would almost rather take her chances with the Sound ninja. Rock Lee and his ugly bowl cut meant well, but she really didn't have the energy to keep up with his hyper nature.

The three ninja laughed. Super Saiyan pointed at Rock Lee and sputtered, "What fitness video did he jump out of? That green bodysuit is a crime! Someone should call the fashion police!" Rock Lee was so mad that he walked up to the tall one and kicked him in the nuts. The ninja fell down, his mouth opening to groan. Sakura inhaled sharply; maybe Rock Lee would actually prove his worth. After all, he did defeat Sasuke…oh yeah. Now she remembered why she hated Rock Lee in the first place.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ino was trying to come up with a plan to steal a scroll from another team. Considering that she wasn't very bright, and was stuck on arguably the weakest team, she was having a hard time. She glanced at Choji, who was still stuffing his face with potato chips. The only thing he could do was change into someone even fatter.

She looked around until she spotted Shikamaru, who was lying down on a tree branch, his legs dangling down lazily. Shiakamru was a genius, but he never asserted himself, even in life or death situations, so Ino knew that she couldn't count on him. Basically, it was all up to her to save the team.

She froze as she heard footsteps walking towards her hiding spot. It was a close thing, because the sound of Choji biting into his precious food almost drowned out the footsteps, but she would deal with the fatso later. Right now, she had just gotten a good idea. She only hoped it was a male who was striding to her location.

When the mystery person was close enough to grab, Ino languidly stepped out from behind the bush and batted her eyes at the stranger, who turned out to be Neji. They had never traded words, but she knew him by his rather illustrious reputation. Ooh, what a hunk he was!

"Why, hello," Ino breathed, posing like a model. Neji blinked.

Ino mentally frowned. So, he was one of those tough nuts to crack, eh? Well, she had a backup plan for any man who somehow resisted her first charms. Holding her breath, she reached up – and removed the small hairpiece that kept her long blonde hair in a ponytail, freeing her hair to dance in the wind. No boy could resist.

"Neji," Ino purred, "we need to talk. I have a favor I'd like to – HEY, LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Ino hadn't even finished talking before Neji raced off in another direction. Ino couldn't comprehend it. Had Neji somehow not seen her? Was he a prude? Was he gay? Did he hate blondes?

Ino screamed in anger, punching a tree next to her. The bark bit into her hand, forcing her to cry out even louder, loud enough that the dozing Shikamaru yelped and fell out of the tree.

"You know, Ino, with friends like you, who needs enemies?" Ino glared daggers at him before loudly announcing that they were moving camp somewhere else, with boys who would be a bit easier to seduce.

Ignoring the grumbling her two partners "graced" her with, Ino stomped towards the nearest clearing, intending on charming the next boy she spotted, no matter who he was. Her thoughts, angry as they were, broke when an explosion almost knocked her down.

Frantic, she dropped to her knees anyway, and crawled to the nearest bush. Shikamaru and Choji followed her lead, and the three peered over the bush in unison.

All three gasped. It was a madhouse! Sakura was on the ground beside an unconscious Sasuke and Naruto, and that weird Rock Lee kid was about to take on three creepy looking ninja. Ino wondered if the situation could be considered normal even with context.

"…So, who do you think will come out on top?" Ino gave Shikamaru a surprised glance, before spending a few seconds contemplating the question.

"Duh, once Sasuke wakes up, he'll kick everyone's butts." Choji snorted.

"All I know is, Rock Lee will be the first to fall." Ino and Shikamaru sighed; they both knew that Choji was just jealous of Rock Lee's fit body and athletic capabilities. Choji probably couldn't even cartwheel.

"So, like, what does the winner of this little gambling experiment get?" Ino wanted to make sure that this was worth her time; otherwise, she didn't have much reason to watch this battle. Shiamaru shrugged; he didn't have anything to give her, after all.

* * *

Sakura gulped. Rock Lee had managed to easily defeat Sasuke, so in theory, defeating three thugs shouldn't be too hard. On the other hand, she had no idea what their powers were – what if they had, like, telekinesis?

Rock Lee, seeing her nervous state, gave her a thumbs up and a literally sparkling grin. Sakura had to wonder if the boy used diamond-crusted tooth-paste.

"ENOUGH TALK!" The mummified leader of the three creeps ran towards Rock Lee, but Sakura couldn't help but notice that the man wasn't even half as fast as Lee or Sasuke. There was no way that Rock Lee couldn't finish him off super quick.

And true enough, Rock Lee evaded the man's rather sloppy punch, before delivering a roundhouse kick of his own that knocked the grey villain down. Rock Lee winked at Sakura, before turning to face the other three.

From Sakura's viewpoint, it looked like Lee had the advantage. But that was before he stumbled, swaying about. _Oh my gosh_ , Sakura thought. _Is Rock Lee drunk? He's only 12, for crying out loud!_ Her suspicions grew when Rock Lee collapsed to the ground.

"Rock Lee, you idiot," Sakura groaned. "How could you fail me like this?" The pink-haired kunoichi gasped as the female member kicked her to the ground.

"Oh please," she hissed. "You really don't have the right to scold your friend. You wouldn't last even half as long as he did, and he didn't last very long in the first place!" The woman leaned her head back and laughed. Sakura decided to do what she did best: she let her eyes fill up with tears.

"Waaahhhh!" Sakura vaguely hoped that the evil ninja would pity her and move along, but instead, the nameless female member grabbed Sakura by her luscious pink hair, pulling sharply. Sakura let out a pained gasp as she felt all her long hours of shampooing her hair go down the drain.

_Am I going to die like this, with dirt stains on my clothing, grass marks on my face, and my hair in disarray? I – I don't want to die looking this rugged! I want to die in the perfect state of beauty! I want to die while watching Sasuke smile at me!_

Sakura bit her bottom lip as she decided on a course of action. It was a desperate move, but she had no choice. Slowly, she reached inside her purse to grab the pair of scissors that she had brought along. She hoped with all her might that her enemies wouldn't bother to take away a pair of scissors.

"Hmm, even though you could use those as weapons, you're pathetic, so I don't care!" The rather ugly lady tugged on Sakura's hair again – only when she did, she ended up falling flat on her butt, a clump of hair in her grip.

"What the -?" The evil ninja lady had intended to use a very strong expletive, but the word caught in her throat when she saw Sakura stand up dramatically. Wisps of pink hair rained down from the sky, or at least it so seemed.

"Now," Sakura intoned in a deeper voice than usual. "I have truly become a ninja with this sacrifice." Sakura gave a handful of her hair one last glance before casting it aside like the trash it was. Her eyes still stung with tears, but they were righteous tears, tears for her fallen hair. Her heart swelled. If only Sasuke could see her now.

Sakura's opponent fell on the ground, holding her sides with laughter. "That's your shining moment? All that build up, and your character arc climaxes because you _cut your freaking hair_? Oh my gosh!" The lady began to bang her fists on the ground.

Sakura's mouth fell open. She had thought that she had become bad-ass, but it turned out that she cut her hair for nothing! A second peal of laughter reached her ears, and Sakura whirled around to see Shikamaru, Choji, and Ino walk out from behind a bush. Sakura sneered at Ino, who did likewise.

"Sakura…you fail as a ninja," Ino moaned. The words rang in Sakura's mind until the shock made her collapse. All the men in the group, from Shikamaru to the evil ninja to the injured Rock Lee, all glanced at each other.

Women…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time: In order to win, Sakura and Ino may have to....team up?  
> Oh no.


	19. Arm Joke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ino takes this chance to show off her, like, totally cool moves!

Ino laughed in a stereotypical way, with her head raised high, while extending her pinky and pointer fingers. Her eternal rival, Sakura, had just made her biggest mistake ever – cutting her pink hair! She already looked like a boy, in Ino's opinion, and this development didn't help any. She always enjoyed seeing her rival suffer!

"Like, wow. I didn't realize that you could get any uglier!" Sakura grit her teeth, before lunging at Ino. Fortunately for the two girls, Choji had dropped a potato chip on the ground, so the rather bulbous ninja rolled on the ground to retrieve it. Sakura tripped over the blubbery mass and ended up accidentally stabbing the creepy evil Super Saiyan ninja with her scissors. The man howled in pain.

"I thought you kids were useless," the hunchbacked leader exclaimed. "But I guess you're stronger than you first appeared. Now it's time we got…serious." Then he turned to Ino and her two teammates. "I'll be killing you guys too."

Ino let out an offended gasp that she had spent years perfecting. "What drugs are you on? We don't even have anything to do with this conflict! I swear on my nail polish, we were just, like, passing through." The hunchback shrugged, reminding Ino that all ugly people were evil and cruel.

"Aw man," Shikamaru whined. "Does this mean we'll have to actually fight?" He looked about ready to surrender already; she could see him holding a white flag behind his back.

"Yeah, but this is a convenient way for us to show off our powers and make Sakura look like a total snore!" Ino laughed again; Shikamaru merely shrugged. He had no investment in the fight at all. After all, if he didn't fight, what did he have to lose? Well, other than his life…

Ino waved her two arms in a circular motion. "OK, guys, ready for Formation Ino-Shika-Cho?" She heard Sakura stifle a snort, causing the blonde to whirl on the pink-haired twerp.

"I'll have you know that the Ino-Shika-Cho formation has been passed down in my family for generations, and is a lethal weapon of mass destruction! No one, and I mean no one, can defeat this combo!" Sakura rolled her eyes.

Ino wanted to scream some more, but she knew that once she defeated the three cretins that had bested Rock Lee, even that dummy Sakura would have to see her superiority.

"Shikamaru, do your thing!" With a grunt, Shikamaru weaved some complex handsigns, and his very shadow seemed to extend in two directions, rapidly heading towards two of the opponents. The hunchbacked leader had enough sense to jump away from the extending shadow, but the spiky-haired creep simply laughed.

His laughter crumpled under his confusion when he found that he could no longer move. No, his body was moving, only it wasn't of his accord. After all, he would never jump around like a monkey. Coincidentally, Shikamaru was also doing that. It was only when Shikamaru began to stuff grass in his own mouth that the spiky-haired loser began to feel true fear.

"Now that he's immobilized, it's your turn," Ino told Choji, who had just finished his last BBQ chips. Choji screamed as his round body became even rounder, an almost parody of his already bloated self. He literally resembled a human ball, but one that would hurt. And indeed, he sent himself rolling towards the opponent that Shikamaru held hostage. Once the tub of lard ran over that ninja, it would all be over!

What they hadn't counted on was the leader of the group walking leisurely in front of his comrade, and somehow deflecting Choji so that the fatso almost ran over the unconscious Sasuke. Ino screamed.

"How did that total geek manage to send Choji flying? Choji's too heavy!" The man chuckled, raising his arm so that everyone could see the metal object fastened around it.

"The same trick I used to defeat that Rock Lee brat. I built a device that can emit sonic waves. Humans can't hear them, but they're strong enough to shatter wood – like so!" He slammed his forearm against a thick tree, which toppled over in defeat. Ino gasped.

"Oh my god!" Ino pointed at the fallen tree with a shaking hand. "That tree is hollow inside!" The hunchback facepalmed.

"Girlie, you completely missed the whole point of that little demonstration. I guess I'll have to show you another one." He pointed his arm at Ino, who merely smirked in a confidant, teenage girl kind of way.

"Listen, loser, you have no idea what I can do." She closed her eyes, doing her best to clear her mind, before performing her ultimate technique – the Mind Transfer Jutsu. Her target: the female member, who hadn't been helping out her male partners because she was too busy kicking Sakura some more.

The female member stiffened as Ino's body collapsed into Shikamaru's arms. Shikamaru sighed; why did teenage girls always leave their vulnerable bodies with him?

"What did you do?" The hunchbacked leader looked confused. He then looked chagrined when his female partner began to punch him. He easily dodged, but then she pulled a knife against her own neck!

Ino was giggling with glee. The man had no idea that her power let her transfer her mind inside other people's bodies. It was a helpful technique to use against her parents whenever they tried to force her to eat some stinky vegetables.

"Hey, boss man. Let those kids beat you to a pulp, or I'll send myself to hell. Your choice." Ino made the lady smile serenely. There was no way that the evil and crazy man would attack his own partner. That was just impossible!

The man fired a sonic blast at the lady, knocking her against another tree trunk. Ino could feel her, or rather the ladies, back almost break at the blow. Meanwhile, Ino's body began to breakdance. Ino felt panic rise within her! Only her teammates knew that whenever she was injured while in another body, her real body would dance. She wondered if her body was trying to tell her something…

"You'd be willing to kill your own partner?" Ino had the lady gasp out. Considering how much pain she was in, it wasn't hard to do. The man gave her an openly condescending look.

"Lady, I'm a killer who obviously had no qualms about murdering young children. Are you truly so naïve that you didn't think I'd kill a partner if the mission depended on it?" Ino winced. It wasn't her fault that she was born blonde! At any rate, Ino made the executive decision to beam back to her own body, before it decided to dance the polka. After feeling the strange sensation of going light speed, Ino opened her eyes. Yup, she was back in her own body – she could tell because her face was lying in the dirt.

As she stood up and dusted herself off, she realized that there was no way that she and her teammates could win. A retreat would have to be their next action. Looking up to tell Shikamaru and Choji, she saw them being bound by the spiky haired ninja. She only had time to let out a single curse before she felt them bind ropes around her as well. In a matter of seconds, the only thing she could move was her eyelashes.

Ino watched with disgust as the leader of the enemy group eyes his handiwork. "Man, who would have thought that the ninja from the Hidden Leaf Village would be so pathetic?" Ino had to agree.

"I know, right? Shikamaru and Choji are worthless, and don't even get me started on Sakura! A strong gust of wind could defeat her!" The leader laughed.

"I was including you in my statement." Ino opened her mouth to give him a rebuttal, but she couldn't think of anything. She quickly closed her mouth when she remembered that they were in a forest, no doubt filled with flies.

"Can we kill them all now?" The spiky haired one was acting all fidgety, walking in circles and occasionally twiddling his thumbs. Mummy tilted his head as he considered it, before shrugging noncommittally.

"Yeah, why not?"

"Stop right there, scum!" A new voice entered the fray, and Ino wondered if things would ever be the same again!

* * *

 

Sakura had watched with mild interest as Ino performed her "whatever" formation with her two lackeys, and then sighed when they failed in an epic way. Oh well, at least she could watch Ino get murdered.

"Stop right there, scum!" Sakura recognized the voice, but from where? She, along with everyone else, glanced up at the tree tops where the voice had come from. On a tree branch, arms crossed in what was supposed to be a cool pose, was Neji, Rock Lee's teammate. He was glaring at everyone and everything with his large, pale eyes.

The female member stared at Neji with something like hearts in her eyes, but the leader looked the opposite. "WHERE THE HECK DO ALL THESE NINJA COME FROM? SERIOUSLY, NOW I HAVE TO KILL EIGHT BRATS?"

"You mean nine, buddy!" A more feminine voice rang out, and everyone once again turned their attention to the tree branches, where Rock Lee's other teammate, Tenten, perched next to Neji, who looked embarrassed.

"Tenten, I thought I explicitly told you to let me handle this. You're useless in a fight anyway." Tenten pouted so hard that she looked like a chipmunk.

"Hey, Rock Lee is my teammate too. If he's in trouble, then of course I have to help him!" Neji and Tenten decided to play a game of rock, paper, and scissors to decide if she would stay or not. She won.

"Victory is mine!" She jumped up and down, which had the unfortunate side effect of forcing the branch to snap, dumping Tenten and Neji unceremoniously on the ground.

There was an awkward silence as Neji dusted himself off. No one dared to speak; Neji was known for his violent temper. Sakura blamed Neji's pride; he was just too easily embarrassed. Not like Sasuke at all…

"Anyway, as I was about to say, prepare to meet your end, villains." Neji glared at all three enemy ninja with his grey eyes, but before a cool action sequence could begin, everyone's attention was captured by a dark purple smoke coming from the small cave where Sakura had hidden the unconscious Naruto and Sasuke.

"Ugh," Ino groaned, holding her nose. "What, did Naruto's corpse turn ripe and poisonous? Disgusting!" Choji looked grossed out as well, but apparently not enough that he couldn't eat a few more bites of his BBQ chips.

"Poison? I don't wanna deal with that," Shikamaru said before yawning and falling asleep on the grass. Ino kicked him in the head to wake him up.

Neji did something weird with his eyes. "No wait, that's not smoke. It's…evil power incarnate." Everyone burst into laughter at the over-dramatic statement, but the laughter died when a spooky figure emerged from the cave. The figure was literally aflame with a dark aura, and seeing as how it certainly wasn't the plucky and cheerful Naruto, that really only left one option, and Sakura didn't like it one bit.

The darker than usual Sasuke walked up to Sakura and kneeled down to meet her face to face. He gently placed one finger under her chin, and he gazed at her intently.

"Sakura, who did this to you?" Sakura swooned. Maybe this new dark Sasuke wasn't so bad after all! She pointed at the pointy-haired fiend. Said pointy-haired fiend looked both ways before pointing at himself with a confused look. Sasuke grit his teeth before walking towards the guy.

The idiot didn't even try to run until it was too late; as he ran, Sasuke grabbed both of the man's arms. The man, who Sakura realized had never given her his name, whimpered.

"Any man who beats on a woman doesn't deserve to keep his arms." Sakura and Ino squealed like fangirls. Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Dude, I need at least one hand, OK? I have needs." Sasuke ripped both man's arms off with a wet tearing sound. The man screamed before falling into merciful slumber. The man's two teammates grabbed their comrade before running away with their tails between their legs.

"SASUKE IS SO COOL!" Ino and Sakura screamed, ignoring the huge river of blood on the ground.

"If only that guy had…armed himself," Sasuke snickered. Everyone roared with laughter, except Shikamaru, who had fallen asleep to the sound of the enemy ninja screaming in pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Violence!
> 
> Next Time: Characters who were sleeping...WAKE UP! Exciting!


End file.
